Saturday, February 27, 2010

Hair and Teeth--a Brief Introduction to Politics in my Lifetime

Back in the day, all Republicans and Democrats looked alike.

Then along came a young Democrat from Massachusetts who had perfect hair and perfect teeth,

By a sad stroke of fate, he was prematurely succeeded by a fellow who had very little hair and forgettable teeth.

The Republicans figured that if hair and teeth would win the presidency, then maybe glasses would have a shot.

They were wrong. But eventually a different Republican did win--another fellow with no hair, but he'd run a campaign against another fellow who'd been pulling out his own hair for a long time.

Another unfortunate circumstance caused the one balding fellow to be replaced by another.

But a Georgia peanut farmer came along to bring us back to what was important again--hair and teeth. Especially teeth.

Unfortunately, he pretty much sucked as a president and the Republicans could have run just about anyone against him in the following election. They chose to run a former B actor with hair. His hair was of questionable color, but it was surely all there.

The Dems came back with somebody who actually did have hair, but made the mistake of covering it up in a tank helmet. It was enough to cost him the election. At least it didn't help any.

This allowed a notably unhairy man to win the presidency.

In fairness, he did choose a Vice Presidential candidate with hair.

Sadly, he couldn't even spell "potato."

Eventually, the Dems brought hair back where it belonged. Hair even became news when the Dem's guy sat on the tarmac getting his $200 haircut while other air traffic sat waiting patiently for him to get finished.

The next Dem to run for president had what I'd call adequate, but unremarkable hair. He did recognize the importance of hair though, growing a beard, albeit too late after he lost the election.

But the Democrats had finally learned their lesson. Hair ran for the presidency in the next election.

But it was probably too much hair because he didn't win. A different fellow won.

And he had sort of meh hair. His Vice President though, had typical Republican hair.

The sad thing is, the GOP apparently hasn't learned.

Whereas the Democrats are all over the issue.

Some Democrats took it way too seriously. <--CLICK ME

And others, who suffer from male pattern baldness, have chosen instead to call themselves "Harry."

Wait. How did he get in here?

Anyhow, now we have today's top Dems. The President has backed off the hair (probably hearkening back to Kerry's earlier failure, but he's brought to bear a whole new level of teeth. A whole new level, that is, until you take a look at his Vice President.

If you're as old as I am, you're old enough to remember Smokin' Joe before he had all that hair. What hair he had was darker then, but plugs are harder to detect once the hair has turned to silver or gray. But, you know, I can't fault him for a little cosmetic surgery. After all, the Democrats have finally learned how essential hair is to their success, and you better hop on the bus if you don't want to be left behind.

Besides, at least his teeth are genuine.





  1. That's just about the best political commentary I've read in ages. But I get my news from The Daily Show...

    Makes me think, though, if you really want great political hair, you have to go back to the 19th century and check out those beards.

  2. Thanks, Dawn.

    It had to be said. There are too many people who believe there's no difference between Democrats and Republicans.

    *wonders how Sarah Palin would look with a beard*

  3. Thanks for the laugh.

    Actually, a lot of those 19th century guys had overflowing mutton chops. They didn't share their mutton with the people though. That had to wait for a "chicken in every pot".

  4. You two may have something with those beards and mutton chops. I'll have to widen my study of politicians. And here I was hoping I'd be done with them once and for all.

  5. But, Puppy. Do you feel pretty?

  6. I feel charming. Oh, so charming. It's alarming how charming I feel. And so pretty, that I hardly can believe I'm real.

  7. Haggis, this was a great post, history lesson and an interesting view on how people's shallowness has certainly grown over the years.

    Thanks for the laugh, it seems appropriate for a presidents day celebration. And has me wondering when the Chihuahua is going to run cause even though he has red glowing eyes he does have a nice short cut in between long and bald. (And of course the fabulous teeth :P)

    Happy writing!

  8. Sadly, Hinny, I've detected a distinct anti-Chihuahua bias in the electorate. No doubt I'll be blogging about that in some future post.

  9. This has nothing to do with anything, but check this out:

    warning, language!


  10. LOL. Loved it, Haggis. Very interesting. Never thought of that. ;-)

  11. This makes me want to delve further and reflect on the consequences of sideburns. :)

  12. What's it like to be old and decrepit?

  13. That's okay, Tyhitia. Politicians never think about anything either. ;)

    Hi, C. Before you dig too deeply, here's a pic of the consequence of sideburns:

    Well, well. MisterBastard. I've got good news and bad news for you. Being old and decrepit sucks donkey balls. That's the bad news for me, but the good news for you. The good news for me (and the corresponding bad news for you) is that you'll understand that personally in another year or two.

  14. Haggis said: Being old and decrepit sucks donkey balls.

    Interesting. Do you find they leave an aftertaste?