The Magic Finger

So the world's still here, and Teh Rapture that Harold Camping predicted didn't happen after all. I don't know about you, but I was sorely disappointed. I'd spent a ton of money on a good pair of binoculars just so I could watch naked people float up to Heaven. Now they're only good for bird watching or checking out my neighbor half a block away.

I got to thinking about it and I'm pretty well convinced Mr. Camping was funning with us--giving us the finger, so to speak. Then I saw a picture of the fellow and it pretty much confirmed it.

Take a look and see what you think.

Now, when I saw that picture, right away it reminded me of another religious leader who also liked to give us the finger. I'm not saying Camping is as bad as that guy, but you've got to admit the two pictures are eerily similar.

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Of course, this is nothing new. So-called religious leaders have been giving people the finger for a very long time. Surely that first Neanderthal who drew a mystical picture on a cave wall or placed a flower on a grave while making strange grunts exercised some kind of power over his brethren. And if he was anything like most of the people who find themselves in positions of power, he took advantage of it too.

Later on in human history, the Crusades, as we know, pitted Christians against Muslims, for God's sake. And today, nearly 1000 years later, it seems as though that particular war is not over. Imagine, 1000 years of war just to prove that my God is better than your God. It's particularly ironic when you realize both religions share the same God.


The Spanish Inquisition was a fun time in the history of religion too. Friar Tomas de Torquemada and his buds gave more than the finger to the heretics. They also gave them the pear, the cage, the strappado and the aselli. Of course there are no photographs from that time, but there sure are a whole lot of neat drawings and etchings that point the finger at the true perpetrators.

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Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin, the Mad Monk, was Russian mystic and faith healer brought into the royal household by Nicholas II and his wife, Alexandra to tend to their son, Alexei. In his spare time, he ate and drank to excess and ravished pretty much any woman he could get his hands on. He kind of reminds me of a late 18th Century, early 19th Century Jim Bakker. But at least Rasputin was an interesting guy. If you haven't read any stories about his murder you should. It's a perfect example of truth being stranger than fiction.

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Aimee Semple McPhereson and Father Charles Coughlin are two shining examples of finger-giving religious leaders from the 1920s and 1930s. McPhereson preached a conservative, evangelical brand of Christianity, yet managed to divorce and remarry (something she taught others was sinful), and allegedly, eventually staged her own kidnapping so she could spend quality time with her lover.

Father Coughlin preached his own peculiar combination of anti-Semitic, pro Fascist hate from Detroit, Michigan across the airways in the 1930s. His millions of followers, unable to see him giving them the finger over the radio, bought into his message.

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The advent of television gave our religions friends yet another way to spread the love of God. Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, Jimmy (ah hayuv sinned) Swaggart along with Bakker immediately come to mind.

Check out the pictures below. Jimmy appears to be pointing out either original sin or his hooker, while Robertson tries to give his audience the finger but, instead, summons the Devil.











This picture shows Jerry Falwell performing the most important act of his ministry--outing the children's television cartoon character Tinky Winky.

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Rev. Jim Jones gave his followers the finger along with the Kool Aid. Then he put that same finger on the trigger and blew his brains out. It's a shame he didn't pull the trigger first.

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Marshall Applegate--remember him?--of the Heaven's Gate cult believed a space ship was trailing the comet, Hale-Bopp, so in the late 1990s, he and many of his fellow travelers donned new Nike's, fresh jumpsuits, ingested cyanide and tied plastic bags over their heads so they could join up with the space ship. Applegate was probably sincere in his beliefs, so I suppose you can't really accuse him of giving his followers the finger. He did, however, take their testicles.

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Rev. Jeremiah Wright came into the public eye with Barack Obama's run for the White House. As Obama's minister for 20 years, it is fair to say the good Reverend might have had some influence on him over those years. That's why when some of Wright's less than stellar pronouncements came to light, Obama was forced to distance himself from the man who had performed his wedding ceremony or suffer damage to his own credibility. So in an unintended way, Rev. Wright wound up giving Barack Obama the finger. And I guess I'll take the opportunity to give him the finger here for saying "God bless America? God damn America."

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Fred Phelps. What can I say about Fred Phelps. Well, I know what I'd like to say to him, and what with him being such a proponent of freedom of speech, I know he'd just sit back and smile while I said it. Either that or sick his lawyers on me.

Phelps, of course, is the leader of the Westboro Baptist Church, a Topeka, Kansas-based sect of inbred--wait, did I say "inbred?" I have no way of knowing that. Scratch that. Let's just say this sect is ... different. It seems to me they pretty much hate everyone. We know for a fact they hate gays and Jews. They're happy when an American soldier dies and take great pains to attend the funeral whenever possible, spreading their message in the meantime.

Fred has given so many fingers to so many groups and individuals that they appear to be gnawed off at the knuckle as can be clearly seen in the picture.

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The latest champion of the lunatic religious community is one Rev. Terry Jones (no relation to Jim Jones, I expect). Terry likes to burn books, disrespect the religion of millions, and put American soldiers at risk, thereby giving them the finger. He obviously has been watching Fred Phelps, because he too wraps himself in the United States Constitution.My best guess is that this guy's ego is every bit as large as those of the other "clergy" on this page, and that he's started having a little trouble distinguishing between "Terry" and "God." He does have a pretty neat 'stache, though.

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Finally, we have--

Wait. How did he get in here?


You know, I don't agree with our President on much. But if he's expressing his opinion on religious leaders who are in it for the money, their ego, or the sheer power over others, I'm with him on this one.

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Now it's time for a brief homily from Father Haggis:

There are many, many wonderful religious leaders in the world, just as there are honest politicians and non-greedy business people. But as I told my kids years ago, if you happen to be in the same room with any of them, it's always a good idea to keep your eyes open, keep your senses sharp and keep a death grip on your wallet.

Go in peace.

Hair and Teeth--a Brief Introduction to Politics in my Lifetime

Back in the day, all Republicans and Democrats looked alike.

Then along came a young Democrat from Massachusetts who had perfect hair and perfect teeth,

By a sad stroke of fate, he was prematurely succeeded by a fellow who had very little hair and forgettable teeth.

The Republicans figured that if hair and teeth would win the presidency, then maybe glasses would have a shot.

They were wrong. But eventually a different Republican did win--another fellow with no hair, but he'd run a campaign against another fellow who'd been pulling out his own hair for a long time.

Another unfortunate circumstance caused the one balding fellow to be replaced by another.

But a Georgia peanut farmer came along to bring us back to what was important again--hair and teeth. Especially teeth.

Unfortunately, he pretty much sucked as a president and the Republicans could have run just about anyone against him in the following election. They chose to run a former B actor with hair. His hair was of questionable color, but it was surely all there.

The Dems came back with somebody who actually did have hair, but made the mistake of covering it up in a tank helmet. It was enough to cost him the election. At least it didn't help any.

This allowed a notably unhairy man to win the presidency.

In fairness, he did choose a Vice Presidential candidate with hair.

Sadly, he couldn't even spell "potato."

Eventually, the Dems brought hair back where it belonged. Hair even became news when the Dem's guy sat on the tarmac getting his $200 haircut while other air traffic sat waiting patiently for him to get finished.

The next Dem to run for president had what I'd call adequate, but unremarkable hair. He did recognize the importance of hair though, growing a beard, albeit too late after he lost the election.

But the Democrats had finally learned their lesson. Hair ran for the presidency in the next election.

But it was probably too much hair because he didn't win. A different fellow won.

And he had sort of meh hair. His Vice President though, had typical Republican hair.

The sad thing is, the GOP apparently hasn't learned.

Whereas the Democrats are all over the issue.

Some Democrats took it way too seriously. <--CLICK ME

And others, who suffer from male pattern baldness, have chosen instead to call themselves "Harry."

Wait. How did he get in here?



Anyhow, now we have today's top Dems. The President has backed off the hair (probably hearkening back to Kerry's earlier failure, but he's brought to bear a whole new level of teeth. A whole new level, that is, until you take a look at his Vice President.

If you're as old as I am, you're old enough to remember Smokin' Joe before he had all that hair. What hair he had was darker then, but plugs are harder to detect once the hair has turned to silver or gray. But, you know, I can't fault him for a little cosmetic surgery. After all, the Democrats have finally learned how essential hair is to their success, and you better hop on the bus if you don't want to be left behind.

Besides, at least his teeth are genuine.

Right?

Anyone?

Beuller?