Friday, June 25, 2010

Another Reason to Hate Ohio

Michigan and Ohio don't like each other very much. The root cause of this is, I believe, the petty jealousy Ohioans have of Michiganders because of our natural superiority. But there are other causes too, and a long history behind the hate.

Back in 1835, Ohio got all uppity because they'd been made a state (something that was still a year away for Michigan) and decided they'd try
to steal some of Michigan's territory. At the time, Michigan's borders included the town of Toledo, a port on Lake Erie, and that's what those vile Buckeyes wanted. Insults were exchanged and troops rode hither and yon, and both Michigan and Ohio came very close to thinking about the possibility of perhaps, maybe, shedding some blood sooner or later. But through some kind of chicanery, Ohio convinced President Jackson to cede the strip of land to Ohio. In exchange, Michigan received a whole bunch of land in the Upper Peninsula--land Jackson stole from Wisconsin. It turned out to be an equitable trade off for Michigan, in that we got Mackinac Island, Lake Superior and Yoopers, and nobody really wanted Toledo anyhow. Still, the animosity between the two states continued, and in fact, got worse.

Unless your cave doesn't have cable, you should at least be marginally aware that the University of Michigan and Ohio State University plan a football game against each other every year, and that it's the longest running college rivalry in the nation. Yep, kids, back in 1897, Michigan beat Ohio State thirty-four to zip, and OSU's been trying to get back at us ever since.

Which brings us to today.

I was idly flipping through my copy of Ohio Fireworks Laws (What? I don't make fun of your hobbies, do I?) and came upon this interesting tidbit:

Sparklers, trick noisemakers & novelties are exempt under Ohio Law. Other consumer fireworks may be sold to Ohio residents upon execution of a form agreeing to take the items out of the state within 48 hours, or to out-of state residents upon execution of a form agreeing to take the items out of the state within 72 hours.

Do you see what's going on here? Do you? Ohio has no problem at all if their folks and other states' folks buy explosives. You just can't use them in Ohio. You have to use them out of state. And what's the closest state? Michigan.

Dude, they're trying to blow up my people.

So I think it's time to revive the Toledo Wars. I say we all tromp on down to Ohio, buy a bunch of shells, rockets and repeaters, toss in a few missiles and some roman candles, sign their stupid papers, then sneak back under cover of darkness on July 4th and attack Toledo.

I'd be there with you, but my asthma's been acting up, and, you know, I don't want to slow you down.

So go for it. Make me proud. Do it for the Chihuahua. And if you happen to see some guy wearing a red vest who happens to look like an OSU football coach, why not lock him away for, say, 50 years or so? That's the best way I can think of to honor your state.

Go Blue!


And when we're done with the killing, let's all head over to MacAllister Stone's house for a 4th of July picnic. Make sure to bring any extra fireworks. And if you happen to find a couple of cases of quality beer in your car, bring those too.

Have a fun and safe Independence Day.

Happy Birthday, America!