Believe it or not, there are still people who pay for their groceries with checks instead of debit cards. I'm one of them. Stop laughing. It’s what my generation does. Even though we know better, we still kid ourselves into thinking we’re getting a float of a few days ‘til the check clears. The difference between me and the other old people is that by the time I get to the checkout counter, all I have to do is enter the amount of the purchase on my check. I’ve already filled out the rest of it.
But my other old brethren and sistren don’t quite get it. They don’t seem to share my love of a speedy check out. Indeed, they do what they can to drag things out as long as possible. And I don’t understand this at all. When you’re old, you should move faster, not slower. It’s not like you have that much time left to waste, you know?
Anyhow, let me share with you an experience that happened to me last Sunday. It’s a good example of what you can expect from old people in grocery stores nowadays. I had my shopping cart full of goodies and I pushed it over to the short line, where only one person was ahead of me. We’ll call this person “Customer,” but her real name might be “Gini Koch.”
Cashier rings up “Customer’s” order: "That will be $97.53, please."
Customer searches in her purse for her checkbook while discussing her daughter's pending orthodontia needs with cashier.
Customer senses checkbook is close, dumps contents of purse onto checkout counter to make checkbook more visible.
Customer finds checkbook. Cashier mentions name of Orthodontist who did her kids' teeth.
Customer puts dumped stuff back in checkbook and asks cashier how much all the orthodontia cost.
Customer redumps stuff onto checkout counter, looking for pen to fill out check. Cashier's husband worked for Ford so he had 100% dental. She had no idea how much it cost.
Customer finds pen, shoves stuff back into purse and begins to fill out check.
Using best handwriting, customer ever so slowly fills out check and passes it over to cashier who compliments her on her handwriting. As it turns out, both customer and cashier earned certificates in grammar school for their penmanship. They talk about this for awhile, both of them bemoaning the quality of handwriting of “kids nowadays.”
Cashier asks for ID
Customer dumps contents of purse onto checkout counter, looking for wallet.
Customer finds wallet. Puts dumped stuff back into purse.
Driver's license not in wallet, customer panics.
Customer checks pockets, then notices driver's license sitting on check writing stand where she left it.
Customer hands driver's licence to cashier who notes driver's licence number and forgets to compare signatures. Cashier hands license back to customer.
Customer dumps contents of her purse onto cashier's counter, looking for wallet.
Customer finds wallet, inserts drivers license into appropriate purse pocket and returns wallet to purse.
Customer returns the rest of the junk to her purse, cashier bags all items and puts them in customer's cart.
Customer and cashier engage in idle chatter while customer's purse continues to block any further transactions by next customer in line. Who happens to be me. Who has neglected to take his blood pressure pills that day.
And people ask me why I drink.
 Her real named might be Gini Koch or it might be something else. But whatever it is, she has a new book, Touched by an Alien, coming out in April. You should pre order it, ‘cause I said so. And, Gini, that's what you get for being mean and making me write stuff.