tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-85325164276259053732024-03-15T01:11:56.038-07:00What do you mean, I should start a blog?Haggis Chihuahuahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17726140053770024770noreply@blogger.comBlogger55125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532516427625905373.post-6070951059162361032014-01-28T09:03:00.000-08:002014-01-28T13:22:33.498-08:00Just in Time for Superbowl--Wings 'n Things<span style="background-color: #444444;"><span style="background-color: #444444;"></span></span><br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4cv48qjk7lQ/UuckvIAzu9I/AAAAAAAAAjc/LNskybrM_vU/s1600/buffalo+chicken.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4cv48qjk7lQ/UuckvIAzu9I/AAAAAAAAAjc/LNskybrM_vU/s1600/buffalo+chicken.jpg" /></a></div>
Many more years ago than I'd like to
admit, and after I'd finished up my military commitment and returned
to Buffalo, NY to finish my college degree, I got a nice little job
as a bartender. Between work, the GI Bill and a small scholarship I
was able to complete my degree without going into debt.</div>
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Earning that degree and avoiding debt
were good things, of course, but my greatest reward was being in on
the ground floor of the Buffalo Chicken Wings craze. Life doesn't get
any better than that, you know? Okay, yeah, it does, but I wasn't getting much of it back then. Whatever. </div>
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Buffalo Chicken Wings were created at
the <a href="http://www.anchorbar.com/" target="_blank">Anchor Bar</a> <span style="background-color: #444444;"></span>in Buffalo. The story goes that the owner
was asked to come up with filling snack to feed a group of late
arriving hungry guests. She deep fried a bunch of chicken
wings--normally used to make stock--covered them with a special hot
sauce and served them up with celery sticks and blue cheese dressing.
The guests loved it and it soon became a staple item on their menu.</div>
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This was all well and good and the
story might have ended there, but my boss stole their recipe (some
say "recreated" but my money's on "stole") and
the bar where I worked became the second in the city to serve Buffalo
Chicken Wings.</div>
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Today, Wings are a standard bar food
item all across the country. Sometimes they're good. More often
they're mediocre. The problem is that people get too fancy. They bread
them. Or they bake them. Or they add too many spices. People, don't
do that! Wings are a simple recipe and generally the less done to
them the better.</div>
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Here's my recipe for Wings 'n Things
straight from the now-defunct tavern where I used to work:</div>
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Prepare blue cheese dressing in
advance by mixing crumbled blue cheese with sour cream. I use about
a cup of blue cheese to one 16 ounce container of sour cream. Add a
smidgeon of salt--usually I use celery salt and/or garlic salt. This
is best made at least a few hours ahead so the flavors have time to
combine. A day ahead is better. Note: You may prefer to mix the blue cheese with equal
portions of of mayo and sour cream. I don't. For Dawg's sake, though, don't ever, ever substitute ranch dressing for blue cheese. Ranch dressing is anathema. If you substitute ranch dressing you might as well top off your wings with cilantro, in which case you're out of the will and I will hunt you down like a dog and call you a bad name to your face before insulting yo mamma.</div>
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Wash and pat dry a bunch of celery stalks, then slice them up into even more celery sticks. Keep them in the refrigerator until ready to serve.</div>
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Disjoint a mess of wings, saving
the wing tips for the stock pot. If you don't know exactly what "a mess" means, ask someone who loves wings. And if you don't know how to disjoint a chicken wing you're hopeless and should just buy your wings from Dominoes and save yourself a bunch of work.</div>
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Deep fry the wing sections in
small batches. You don't want the wings touching. This occurs in a deep fryer. If you don't have one, you might try using a cast iron skillet with about an inch of oil heated up to about 350 degrees. If you don't have a cast iron skillet, order your wings from Dominoes. </div>
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They're done when they float. Flip
them over to make sure they're cooked on both sides, then remove
them with tongs and drain on paper towels.</div>
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Once drained, place them on cookie
sheet and stick them in a warm oven.</div>
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When all your wings are done
cooking, remove them from the oven, place them into a large, lidded
container (like a Tupperware container) and add equal parts softened
butter and Frank's Hot Sauce--about two tablespoons worth of sauce
and the same of butter for about ten to twelve wing sections. Adjust
ratio until you get the flavor and heat you're looking for.</div>
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Shake and swirl the wings around
in the container until they are coated with the hot sauce. </div>
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Plate your wings and serve with
celery sticks, blue cheese dressing and plenty of napkins.</div>
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<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Don't forget to take your
cholesterol pills first. These things are loaded with fat and every bite takes about eleven minutes off your life.</div>
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</ul>
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There's another little tradition we do
in Buffalo just before we gorge ourselves on wings on Super Bowl
Sunday. A little background first.</div>
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You know, the Bills were the only NFL
team ever to advance to four straight Super Bowl games. They are also
the only NFL team ever to lose four straight Super Bowl games. They
should have won the first one, but nooooooo. Someone missed a 47 yard
field goal with eight seconds left. Someone named <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BCHZFwDCNyA" target="_blank">Scott Norwood</a>. So every Super Bowl Sunday, after we say grace, but before we chow
down, we all gather around in a circle and and stick voodoo pins in
Scott Norwood bobble head dolls. It's childish, I know. But it's
football. And a true fan never forgets the highlights and never
forgives the lowlights. You doubt me? Just ask <a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/espn25/story?page=moments/2" target="_blank">Bill Buckner</a>. </div>
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Haggis Chihuahuahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17726140053770024770noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532516427625905373.post-2182953051481194072013-10-03T10:40:00.000-07:002013-10-03T10:44:22.954-07:00Tilly the Wonder Dog : finis<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Fk7XBGWatYg/Uk2rnPq6CYI/AAAAAAAAAgQ/gu-FaLkgXXw/s1600/puppeh.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="303" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Fk7XBGWatYg/Uk2rnPq6CYI/AAAAAAAAAgQ/gu-FaLkgXXw/s320/puppeh.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Unicode MS";">Tilly the
Wonder Dog shuffled off this mortal coil Thursday, October third, saved from
additional bone cancer induced pain by the grace of the needle. She was three
and a half years old.</span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Unicode MS";">Born in
Tennessee, she spent her early years in an abusive relationship and was dumped
at a kill shelter at age two with two cracked teeth and a poorly healed busted
hip. She was saved by the <a href="http://www.petsmartcharities.org/rescue-waggin" target="_blank">Rescue Waggin'</a> and brought to Michigan where she
found a home with a couple of Old Farts who didn't believe kicking dogs was
good sport.</span></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-dLUWgKwvFeY/Uk2rclxRYhI/AAAAAAAAAgI/x5NLiYeKHDE/s1600/tilly.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-dLUWgKwvFeY/Uk2rclxRYhI/AAAAAAAAAgI/x5NLiYeKHDE/s320/tilly.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Unicode MS";">Tilly
loved food, fetch, tug, the occasional unwatched garbage bag, squeaky toys and licking
peanut butter out of the deep hole in her rubber faux-bone-like toy. She did
not like hair dryers, coffee grinders or vacuum cleaners. Thunderstorms were
sent by </span><a href="http://www.blogger.com/null" name="firstHeading"></a><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Unicode MS";">Satan </span><span lang="EN" style="mso-ansi-language: EN;">for her personal torment. Of this she was sure.
Tilly</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Unicode MS";"> was not
particularly fond of other dogs either. But she adored people. Especially kids.
She was a good dog. Good girl. I miss her already.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Unicode MS";">Other dogs
need a break too, so in lieu of flowers the family requests you consider making
a modest donation to your local Humane Society or to the <a href="http://www.petsmartcharities.org/rescue-waggin" target="_blank">Rescue Waggin'</a>.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Arial Unicode MS";">If you'd like to read more about Tilly, click <a href="http://www.anarmyofermas.com/2012/04/on-kids-and-dogs.html" target="_blank">here</a> and <a href="http://www.anarmyofermas.com/2012/07/tilly-wonder-dog-part-deux.html" target="_blank">here</a>. </span></div>
Haggis Chihuahuahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17726140053770024770noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532516427625905373.post-20150895313855964042013-09-27T08:46:00.000-07:002013-09-29T09:04:02.558-07:00The Saga of the Skin Tag<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">If you're
over forty, you probably know what I'm talking about when I say "skin
tag." If you're under forty you likely don't have a clue. Also if you're
under forty you never call your mother, and you never write her either. Get off
my lawn you ungrateful brat.</span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">Back to skin
tags.</span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">In case you don't
know, a skin tag is kind of a benign epithelial tumor sort of thingy that can
be tiny and almost unnoticeable or it can be a honking mushroom-shaped, multicolored behemoth that looks like the alien life form from Garvoc 2 in the
Kloovian Galaxy. That's the kind I had. It wasn't your normal, run of the mill
skin tag. No, sir. This puppy was a monster.</span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">This skin
tag hung off the side of my neck like a second head. It was so big I had to buy
an extra ticket for it when I traveled by air. This sucker was so massive I had
to put pants on it every time I went for a walk or risk being arrested by the
decency police. It was so enormous that when I threw the ball for the dog to
fetch, she'd bring it back to the skin tag. When I drove down the street I had
to open the driver's side window and let it hang outside. The people behind me
thought I was signaling for a left hand turn. This was one big-ass skin tag. </span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">It was ugly
too.</span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">How ugly was
it? It was so ugly that when I walked down the street, security cameras swiveled away from me. When I went in to shave one morning the bathroom mirror
had shifted position so it faced against the wall. This skin tag
was so ugly, children who saw it ran to the nearest clown for comfort. The NSA refused to read my email because they were afraid it might be catching. You get
the picture?</span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">It had to
go.</span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">After
numbing my neck up and slapping his Swiss Army knife against a sharpening steel
several times, my doc got a better look at it and said, “It's got veins in it.
You need to have a specialist do this.”</span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">I had no
idea they had skin tag specialists, but he convinced me he'd find one. Sure enough,
the next day I got a call from his office. I was scheduled two weeks later with
an ENT doc. </span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">If you've
been paying attention, you'll remember that the skin tag was on my neck. It
wasn't on my ears, my nose or my throat. But he hadn't set me up with a
Proctologist, so I figured, what the hey. I went to the appointment. After
filling out multiple questionnaires and a cursory office visit to justify additional
fees, I was escorted into a small operating room and told to sit on the
operating chair. Yes, chair. Not table.</span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">I got more
injections of local anesthetic and the ENT doc got out her own Swiss Army
knife. I have to say she worked quickly and caused me relatively little pain.
In fairness, I have to add that she did not work alone. She kept a nurse close
by her side. Why, I'm not positive, but it seemed that her only job was to catch
the skin tag once it had been cut free so it didn't crash to the ground and
injure the doctor's foot. But that's speculation, of course.</span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-MCMXlK2og-Q/UkWlRInDCJI/AAAAAAAAAfs/I3MKx7UoYj0/s1600/skin+tag+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-MCMXlK2og-Q/UkWlRInDCJI/AAAAAAAAAfs/I3MKx7UoYj0/s1600/skin+tag+2.jpg" /></a><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ig6CPuWuMvA/UkWlRFAMxXI/AAAAAAAAAfw/uFtCbJD3e_I/s1600/skin+tag+3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ig6CPuWuMvA/UkWlRFAMxXI/AAAAAAAAAfw/uFtCbJD3e_I/s1600/skin+tag+3.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">So that's
pretty much it. The ENT doc did a good job. The wound healed. Children were
once again free to roam around my neighborhood without fear. The NSA resumed
monitoring my email. The only problem is that leaving the story here makes for
a lousy ending. So I've been thinking. I could spice this up with
some funny anecdotes about my vasectomy. You wouldn't believe some of the stuff
that went on there. The prostate biopsy was a hoot too. A million laughs.</span></div>
<div class="Body1">
<br /></div>
<div class="Body1">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";">I'll
think about it. I'll come up with something. Something you'll enjoy. Something
that will make reading this post worthwhile. I'll get back to you as soon as I
have it. Really I will. Almost certainly, probably.</span></div>
Haggis Chihuahuahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17726140053770024770noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532516427625905373.post-36781318207114423832013-08-29T04:16:00.000-07:002013-08-29T04:16:22.164-07:00Open letter to Former Senator Jim DeMint, the new President of the Heritage Foundation<div style="margin-bottom: 0.17in;">
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0.17in;">
Dear Senator Jim,</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0.17in;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-al2M2V4oFGE/Uh8qbdiIzdI/AAAAAAAAAe8/qEdEop19HHQ/s1600/jim_demint_1-5840.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-al2M2V4oFGE/Uh8qbdiIzdI/AAAAAAAAAe8/qEdEop19HHQ/s320/jim_demint_1-5840.jpg" width="243" /></a></div>
Hey, thanks for the emailed survey
you sent me the other day. The one that said. "for Principled
Conservatives only, because I gotta tell you, Jim, you won't find any
Conservative more Principled than I am. See, I was one of the
original Barry's Boys way back in the early 60s. I expect you might
not know about that time because I'm older than you and it probably
all went down long before your balls dropped. So let me fill you in
on what most of my fellow Principled Conservatives and I believed in
way back in the day.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0.17in;">
Like Barry I believed in low taxes,
fiscal responsibility, strong defense, the free market system and
letting people enjoy their lives without government interference.
That's, of course, before the religious right took over the
Republican party (something Barry warned us about) and decided that
small government meant that they had the right to camp out in
people's bedrooms and see who was doing what to whom and send them to
jail if it wasn't okay in Leviticus. Which may have run contrary to
that "make no religion" crap in the Constitution, but
everyone knows the Founders didn't really mean it. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0.17in;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0Rgo4_0a20k/Uh8qpjDPyTI/AAAAAAAAAfE/S5g9Ay6HhQE/s1600/barry.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-0Rgo4_0a20k/Uh8qpjDPyTI/AAAAAAAAAfE/S5g9Ay6HhQE/s1600/barry.jpg" /></a></div>
You might not remember this, Jim,
but gays weren't allowed to serve in the military for the longest
time. Even so, that old "Principled Conservative" Barry
Goldwater said, "I don't care if they are gay or straight, as long as they can shoot straight." Being a Brigadier General in the
Air Force Reserve, he kind of had an idea of what the military should
be like. But you know, those nasty liberals like Johnson, Nixon,
Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush, Clinton, Bush and Obama didn't agree with
that. Thank Dawg that Obama's ever changing principles finally
evolved to the point that he could agree with something Barry had
said fifty years earlier. And thank Dawg today's Principled
Conservatives agree with that point of view too. Right, Jim?
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0.17in;">
Jim?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Okay, so while we're waiting for Jim to
return let's take a look at the survey he sent me.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Let’s see now. Oh, here’s a good
question.
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Q. How do you think conservatives in
Congress should approach their job?
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
A. Maybe they should do it for a
change. And they can share that answer with their liberal friends
across the aisle too. For the record, that job is not getting
re-elected, nor is it being a power broker, nor is it graft,
corruption or similar activities. Their job is serving and
representing their constituents. Period. Full stop.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Here’s another.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Q. Which countries pose a threat to the
United States? Iran, China, Russia, North Korea or Other?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
A. All the above, including “other,”
which in this case I’d say was the United States itself. As far as
I know, none of the other countries are overflying us with drones,
nor are their tax collection units targeting groups in this country
who think The Wrong Way. I doubt that any of those listed countries
would bother collecting information from some stupid blog like this
one, but we already know that our country’s NSA does, don't we,
Jim?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Plus you left Canada off your list of
evil countries. You can never be too careful where Canada's
concerned.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
And this one.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Q. How serious do you consider the
threat of Islamic terrorism in the world today?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
A. About as seriously as I consider the
threat of domestic terrorism. You know what I mean, Jim? Terrorism
like The Oklahoma City bombing, the Unibomber, the Atlanta Olympics
bombing, The Wisconsin Sikh Temple bombing, acts of hate groups like
the KKK, Aryan Nation, Black Panthers, Eco-terrorists, people who
kill physicians who perform abortions for Christ's sake--shall I go
on?<br />
<br />
Don’t get me wrong, Jim. I know all too well that there are
people outside our country, many of them radical Islamists, who would
just as soon see you and me dead. But I also know that the vast
majority of the followers of Islam don’t give a rat’s ass about
either you or me. All they want to do is live their lives in relative
peace. They just want to be left the hell alone. They don’t want to
be targeted. Like you’re trying to do to them by the nature of that
last question.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
And I love this one.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Q. Are the government’s intelligence
agencies and the administration doing enough to protect us against
terrorism?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
A. Oh, hell no. Do you think collecting
information on every American’s telephone calls, email, and Internet
activities is enough? Do you think the drones you
already have flying over US territory spying on its citizens is
enough? Gitcher self a backbone, son. It's about time for you to send
NSA agents into every classroom to pistol whip the little children
until they turn in their parents for subversive activities.
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Q. Who (do) you think should decide
about controversial social questions like same-sex marriage and
abortion?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
A. Where've you been, Jim? That’s
already been decided.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
#</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
You know what, Jim? I've been thinking.
Maybe I'm not the Principled Conservative you're looking for after
all. Or maybe I am, and instead you're the problem. Yeah, I think
that's it. I think I haven't changed a bit. Conservatism has. And
your kind of Conservatism is not something I want to associate with
anymore. So excuse me, but I'm going to go hang out with the
Libertarians for awhile. I think they're mostly nuts and they think
I'm mostly nuts, but at least we're honest with each other.</div>
Haggis Chihuahuahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17726140053770024770noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532516427625905373.post-89091329579053390862013-06-16T10:37:00.000-07:002013-08-29T04:16:41.921-07:00Chickens got bones<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Today I went into town to do a little shopping (picking up
my old fart drugs at the old fart store/AKA pharmacy) then used that as an
excuse to head down to the local gin mill to pound a few. Two beers and four
Words With Friends games later I sent Hunny a text asking her if she needed me
to pick up anything for dinner.
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“I’m fine,” she said. “I’ve already had a sammich. Go ahead
and get something for yourself.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I used that as an excuse to have one more beer while I
thought about my dinner.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I didn’t feel like making anything, there was no bar food I wanted to take home and I never, ever get fast food. Well, hardly ever. I
will admit that sometimes I have a craving for KFC. The chicken tastes okay
even if it isn’t good for me, the taters are mostly edible and the biscuits are
really good—especially with honey. Of course I no longer get the KFC honey
because it’s not honey anymore. Rather, it’s something they call “Honey Sauce.”
Honey Sauce is that packet of stuff they give you to put on your biscuits only
if you ask for it. According to <a href="http://smirkingchimp.com/thread/jmadison/44092/honey-sauce-corporate-greed-at-its-least-tasty" target="_blank">this guy</a>, Honey Sauce is a full 7% honey with the rest mostly corn syrup, and you know
<a href="http://www.anarmyofermas.com/2012/05/why-men-shouldnt-shop-at-foodland.html" target="_blank">what I think about corn syrup</a>. I have no idea what the last few ingredients are. Maybe a secret blend of eleven
herbs and spices. I dunno. But whatever’s in it, it doesn’t taste like honey,
so I stopped getting it years ago. I always, always keep a stash of real honey
just for these emergency occasions.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So I headed off to KFC, pleased with myself for my
forethought and looking forward to a meal of legs, thighs and breasts. But when
I got there I discovered that something had happened. KFC had changed their
menu. They’d lost their bones.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I used to order chicken only, with a few biscuits and maybe
a side of taters. But according to their new menu, I no longer had that option.
What I had instead was a choice of various selections of boneless, skinless
chicken—what Wendy’s Hamburgers used to call “<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_oem9BqUTI" target="_blank">parts is parts</a>." </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In fairness, they still offered a small selection of bone-in
skin-on chicken but it was harder to find on the menu. It occurred to me that
KFC might be planning on phasing out bone-in chicken. Turns out I was right:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://www.usatoday.com/story/money/business/2013/04/05/kfc-kentucky-fried-chicken-boneless-fast-food-chicken/2011419/" target="_blank">“The risky move, three years in the making, is KFC's very public admission that its core product -- a big bucket filled with fried chicken legs, thighs and breasts on the bone -- may ultimately be banished to the dust-heap of fast-food lore.”</a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></div>
</blockquote>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I guess KFC is afraid the new generation of fast food
addicts might accidentally discover that chickens used to be living, breathing
animals. Dawg forbid that little Aiden or sweet Gabriella ever find out that
animals have been slaughtered to sate their gluttony. And can you imagine
precious Sloan and young Logan biting into a honking big-ass drumstick? I can hear
their tiny high-pitched shrieks now.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Skin! It’s got skin! And…and…and…booooooooooooooooooooones.
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMY!”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Oh, the horror.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Well, I’m not gonna hang around to hear that, KFC. It hurts
to tell you this, but chickens got bones, so you and I are through. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-VhCfVdKNwO4/Ub32tHSu7TI/AAAAAAAAAeE/iSWXLBBE7dE/s1600/chicken-bones.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="228" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-VhCfVdKNwO4/Ub32tHSu7TI/AAAAAAAAAeE/iSWXLBBE7dE/s320/chicken-bones.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No. Don’t cry. It’s my fault, not yours. I simply can’t
adjust to your insane need to take food and turn it into something that isn’t.
Don’t worry, you’ll find someone new. But as for me, I’ll go back to making my
own chicken. It’s better than yours anyhow. And I still have my stash of real
honey.</div>
Haggis Chihuahuahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17726140053770024770noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532516427625905373.post-70004150643711575422013-05-05T18:35:00.001-07:002013-05-05T18:35:32.401-07:00Don’t Tase Me for Medicare Fraud, Bro<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qGD6jAZINvA/UYcFWrUiI_I/AAAAAAAAAdA/3zFGZHILcDY/s1600/medicare-fraud-hotline.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qGD6jAZINvA/UYcFWrUiI_I/AAAAAAAAAdA/3zFGZHILcDY/s1600/medicare-fraud-hotline.jpg" /> </a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
I’ve been a bad puppy. At least it
seems that way. But I never meant fo<u>r</u> it to go down like it did. Still, I
suppose it’s ultimately my fault, my responsibility and I’m the one who’s got
to make it right. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: .5in;">
Let me tell you what happened.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: .5in;">
About six months ago I received a
notice from my Medicare supplemental insurance provider—let’s call them “Purple
Cross Purple Shield”-- that my pharmacy had not collected enough of a co pay on
a prescription purchase I’d made months earlier. “This is not a bill,” they
assured me. “We will deduct the money from over payments you make in the
future.” Apparently they got tired of waiting for over payments, because last
week I did receive a bill in the mail for the full amount of the underpayment.
All 22 cents of it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: .5in;">
That’s 22 cents. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: .5in;">
Cents, not dollars. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: .5in;">
Cents.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: .5in;">
Now, I have no idea how much it cost
them to send me that bill. The bill for 22 cents, that is. I have no idea how
much it cost them to enclose a postage paid envelope or if it will cost them
anything on their end when they receive it back, and I don’t know how much it
will cost them to process that payment when they receive it. All 22 cents of
it. But it didn’t make a lot of sense (that’s “sense” not “cents”) to me why an
organization that had handled my health care costs promptly and efficiently up
to that point would suddenly start hyperventilating over 22 cents,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then I read a little further into the letter,
and there it was. “The Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services requires us
to attempt to collect the balance owed.” So it’s not Purple Cross Purple Shield
that decided to go into full collection mode over the 22 cents at all. It’s the
government agency charged with controlling health care costs. Now I was
beginning to understand.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TuNJVtzNBP0/UYcFmeU8m4I/AAAAAAAAAdI/DpKbMSbRaYw/s1600/uncle-sam-300x199.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TuNJVtzNBP0/UYcFmeU8m4I/AAAAAAAAAdI/DpKbMSbRaYw/s1600/uncle-sam-300x199.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: .5in;">
<br /></div>
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On the plus side, the government
agency never claimed that I purposely withheld the 22 cents, but they did
insist on their right to a reimbursement of those funds. In a more perfect
world, the agency might have gone after my pharmacy, which, after all, was the
one that made the mistake about the amount of the 22 cent deductible. In a more perfect and reasonable world, the government would have written off anything under, say, $10 to $40 at a minimum, because is surely costs them more than that to try to collect it. Still,
that wouldn’t have absolved me of my guilt for…for…for whatever it is I must
have done wrong that ultimately put the full force of the United
States government all over my ancient ass
for 22 cents. Cents, not dollars. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: .5in;">
Cents. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AqyHomBSmbQ/UYcFzTYTldI/AAAAAAAAAdQ/VnSOhKHEKQ4/s1600/022-cent_37497_md.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="128" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AqyHomBSmbQ/UYcFzTYTldI/AAAAAAAAAdQ/VnSOhKHEKQ4/s320/022-cent_37497_md.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: .5in;">
Twenty two of 'em.. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: .5in;">
Don’t think I’m down on government,
though. Not for a minute. Because they were there to help too. They wanted to
help me so bad they made me the following offer:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: .5in;">
“We understand that even the smallest
unplanned expense can cause difficulty, and we have payment options available
if you’re unable to pay the full amount due at this time.” The full amount of which was--you guessed it--22 cents.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wS9flZE1QvI/UYcGKScOW3I/AAAAAAAAAdY/rlQ1qhECNMM/s1600/drink-coca-cola-coke-gas-today-22-cents.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="222" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wS9flZE1QvI/UYcGKScOW3I/AAAAAAAAAdY/rlQ1qhECNMM/s320/drink-coca-cola-coke-gas-today-22-cents.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: .5in;">
Let me be honest here. I thought
about it. I really did. After all, they are the ones who offered to set up payment
arrangements for the money I owed them—all 22 cents of it. They also assured me
not to worry that my coverage would stop “while we’re working this issue out.”
All 22 cents of issue. But at my age I don’t have enough time left to do all
the stupid that dealing with the government requires. So instead, here’s what I’m
going to do. I’m going to write out a check for 22 cents. I’m going to put my
account number on the check like they asked, and enclose it in the prepaid envelope
along with the handy payment coupon they also mailed me. But before I drop it
in the mail slot, I’m going to enclose one more thing—my request for a written
receipt.</div>
Haggis Chihuahuahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17726140053770024770noreply@blogger.com23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532516427625905373.post-46494591962343913552013-04-27T18:47:00.001-07:002013-04-27T18:48:15.145-07:00An Urgent Business Matter So I lied. Get over it. <br />
<br />
Maybe I haven't written quite as much as I said I would, but maybe I'll pick up from this point on. Or not. But in any event, this is the second post of the year, so I've doubled my output from last year. Gotta give me points for that.<br />
<br />
You can take a few points away too, 'cause this is an older story I'm posting. But, see, there's nowhere to sell it. Besides it's short--blog sized--and I haven't posted a story here in some time. Besideser, I like this o ne. You may not, but you're probably not a a Nigerian. So there.<br />
<br />
Here we go....<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
#</div>
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<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: center;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New";">An Urgent Business Matter</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New";">by </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New";"></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: .25in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-align: center;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New";">Steve Barber </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New";">Lt. Colonel
Smiths Magado waddled across the room and gingerly settled his overly fat ass onto
a cushioned office chair. He squirmed. No good. He'd have to try something
else.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New";">Magado
dragged the ottoman over and reached down with both hands, hefting his nearly two
pound penis out of his boxers and resting it on the foot stool. He sat back
exhausted, hyperventilating and sweating profusely. But even as wiped out as he
was, Magado had to smile. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">If only my father
could see me now</i>, he thought, not without some pride. His late father had
constantly teased him about his "shortcomings."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BkN9iXu7TAU/UXx8Q3myU_I/AAAAAAAAAcs/JQE4j5b3W14/s1600/use+me.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BkN9iXu7TAU/UXx8Q3myU_I/AAAAAAAAAcs/JQE4j5b3W14/s320/use+me.jpg" width="320" /></a><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New";">Magado's
father, Mgbatu Magado, had been the Principal Vice Chairman of Abuja State Bank
and Trust, the primary holding company for foreign investments in his country.
Six months earlier, the senior Magado died in a tragic Internet accident that
was still under investigation. Fortunately, before his death, he had confided
in his son as to the whereabouts of certain unclaimed funds he planned to
secret out of the country. His death put a hold on any such transfer. But the
Colonel was working to change that.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New";">Magado punched
the “on” button on his computer, waited for it to get up to speed, then
accessed his email. There it was. The response he’d been waiting for. Someone
had risen to the bait. He reached for the keyboard, but the ottoman on which
his penis rested kept him too far away to type. He turned sideways, and somehow
managed to grab the keyboard and deposit it onto his ample lap. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New";">Alma
Grinkle of </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New";">Saskatoon</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New";"> had accepted his offer. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I'll make her a rich woman,</i> thought the
Colonel, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">but I'll be even richer. And
I'll still have my huge penis too</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New";">"My
dear Miss Alma," typed Magado. "It is with delightness that I receive
your missive this day. Please to know funds at your bank tomorrow morning
earliest. My friend, yes I say my good friend Miss Alma, most wonderful lady, I
looking forward meet you seventh January when we concluding transactions."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New";">He finished
the email with additional platitudes, sent it along to </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New";">Alma</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New";">, then electronically transferred
the funds from his father's account to </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New";">Alma</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New";">'s bank.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New";">The Colonel
was basking in the glow of a job well done when his watch alarm reminded him it
was time to change his penile patches. The directions cautioned "one
patch at a time," but he'd reasoned if one was good, two must be better. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New";">He applied
both patches, and sat back to watch his penis grow again. But this time it was
different. Something was wrong. It was growing way too much, way too fast. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Crap.</i> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Directions. I should have followed the directions</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New";">#</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New";">The
following morning, Alma Grinkle scanned through the newspaper while finishing
her morning tea. A page two headline leaped out at her: "Top Nigerian Army
Officer Killed by Exploding Penis."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New";">Alma</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New";"> sighed and shook her head. She put
on her hat and gloves, grabbed her keys and headed out the door toward her
bank. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">How awful for him,</i> she thought.
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">He was such a sweet man.</i></span></div>
<br />
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</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<br />Haggis Chihuahuahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17726140053770024770noreply@blogger.com203tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532516427625905373.post-46647550988415765172013-01-12T10:53:00.001-08:002013-01-12T10:55:52.778-08:00Bucket O' Food List<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
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</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cDxHq_PzczA/UPGweiMI3BI/AAAAAAAAAcc/TYCJp-EgD_c/s1600/buffet.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cDxHq_PzczA/UPGweiMI3BI/AAAAAAAAAcc/TYCJp-EgD_c/s320/buffet.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
A belated Happy New Year to you all.
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I've made a resolution. I'm definitely
going to post more on my blog this year than I did last year.
Fortunately, that won't be too difficult. If I manage one more I'll
have doubled my output.
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
But enough about resolutions and
writing. I'm here to talk about food.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
It's been almost three and a half years
since I've had a cigarette. I haven't slipped up one time. Nope. Not
once. But, you know, this is not going to be a preachy post. I don't
consider myself an ex-smoker anyhow. I consider myself a
non-practcing smoker. Once the Death Comet is confirmed to be
approaching Earth, I'll be the first one in line at the Smoke Shoppe,
looking for a carton of Kents.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I can hear you telling me, “You said
we were going to talk about food. All you're talking about is
cigarettes.”</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Well, that's true to a degree. But I'll
urge patience, Grasshopper. It's merely a lead in.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
See, when people give up one sin, they
often take up another in its place. In my case, I've replaced the
cigarettes with food. Mostly carbs or fats. I eat lots of cheese.
Fresh croissants are wonderful with butter and blackberry jam. Bagels
with cream cheese are good too. If I make a peanut butter sammich, it
has to have butter on it too.
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
You get the picture. The picture is not
pretty. It's about fifty pounds heavier than it used to be. It needs
to get lighter.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I've decided I've got to combat the
carbs and fats, but before I do I need to run through my Bucket O' Food
List one time.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
What's a Bucket O' Food
List, you ask? I
know you know that a Bucket List is a list of all the things you want
to do before you croak. A Bucket O' Food
List is the same thing, except
it's only about food. And even though I'm not planning on croaking
any time soon, I still see no reason to avoid these delicious food
items, especially seeing as though I'm going to have to give them up
soon.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
So here's my Bucket O' Food
List,
presented in no particular order:</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<ol>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
A shore dinner, including steamed
lobster, clams on the half shell and steamers, corn on the cob and
roasted 'taters. Lots of butter shall be consumed with this meal.</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
A Maine blueberry pie.
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
The above mentioned fresh
croissant with butter and blackberry jam.</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Chocolate chip cookies.</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
A boneless leg of lamb, spit
roasted medium rare, covered with my mystery dry rub and poked and
larded with a bunch of garlic cloves, spinach sprinkled with vinegar
(butter added), baked potato with sour cream, chives, salt, pepper,
butter.</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Home made lemon sherbet.</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
A complete Thanksgiving dinner,
even if it isn't Thanksgiving. No green bean casserole.</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Enough cashews in one sitting to
seriously hurt me.</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
A bagel with lox, onions and cream
cheese from <a href="http://www.zingermansdeli.com/">Zingerman's</a>. And since
I'm already there, I'll get a pastrami on rye for dessert.</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Three slightly pan seared sea
scallops, covered with a pat of sherry butter, and placed on a bed
of cous-cous cooked in chicken broth, then mixed with finely chopped
green onions and spearmint, grilled thinly sliced eggplant, lightly
brushed with olive oil, and a couple of crabcakes from <a href="http://www.phillipsseafood.com/menus-and-locations/baltimore">Phillip's Restaurant</a> in Baltimore. All
preceded by a shrimp cocktail. And oysters on the half shell. With
horseradish, lemon and hot sauce. And don't skimp on the salt and
pepper.</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
A pizza from <a href="http://www.bocceclubpizza.com/">Bocce's Pizzeria</a> in
Buffalo.
Double cheese and double pepperoni.
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
One Beef on Weck, loaded with
horseradish, from pretty much any sleazy bar in Buffalo.</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
An Italian sausage sub with
caramelized green peppers and onions.</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Hot peach cobbler served with a
scoop of homemade vanilla ice cream.</div>
</li>
</ol>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I'll tick these off over time. Yes, I
will. And as soon as I'm done I'll be ready to lead an austere life
and start shedding the pounds. You'll be proud of me too, won't you?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
So what are the foods on your Bucket O' Food List? What do you want to make sure you eat before you croak
or swear off good food? Let me know in the comments section. And if
it sounds really good I'll not only add it to my list, I'll beg
you for the recipe.</div>
Haggis Chihuahuahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17726140053770024770noreply@blogger.com24tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532516427625905373.post-7675364388679639902012-12-02T11:06:00.001-08:002012-12-02T11:06:59.337-08:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-O9XF8HGJIbE/ULumGgNEoCI/AAAAAAAAAcI/o7iHg_rDdK0/s1600/chihuahua_5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-O9XF8HGJIbE/ULumGgNEoCI/AAAAAAAAAcI/o7iHg_rDdK0/s320/chihuahua_5.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span id="goog_1987097315"></span><span id="goog_1987097316"></span>O hai.<br />
<br />
Miss me?<br />
<br />
Yeah, I know I've been gone for awhile. <br />
<br />
Well, okay. Longer than awhile.<br />
<br />
See, I got myself involved with this group of writers called "<a href="http://www.anarmyofermas.com/">An Army of Ermas</a>" and wound up writing some columns for them which meant I wasn't writing posts for me because if I write too much I turn into a goat. Or something. Anyhow, Ermas went to teh Intrawebbies Heaven a couple of months ago so now I have the time to write about whatever it is I write about on this blog.<br />
<br />
So I'm back. At least for now. We'll see if I have the fortitude to keep it going this time.<br />
<br />
If you want to see what I did write about while I was gone, you can go <a href="http://www.anarmyofermas.com/search/label/Steve%20Barber">here</a>. You can also check out the other amazing writers, most of whom are way funnier than I ever thought of being. Then you can come back here and see if I've gotten any better. Let me tell you, the odds are against it.<br />
<br />
But you never know. Hunny hasn't left me yet,so there are sure to be some interesting things that will happen with or because of her. We still have the new puppy, and it's possible I might write elventy posts about her (have I told you she talks?). And there are those books I've read that I'd like to make some book comments about. So stay tuned. I just might get back in the habit of doing this thing again. Haggis Chihuahuahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17726140053770024770noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532516427625905373.post-9221938749809803262011-12-19T06:40:00.000-08:002011-12-19T06:52:32.495-08:00Caberet Lobstah Stew<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-517qcKdaaXY/Tu9MHeg8c7I/AAAAAAAAAbE/56yuE249nwI/s1600/cartoonlobster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="199" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-517qcKdaaXY/Tu9MHeg8c7I/AAAAAAAAAbE/56yuE249nwI/s320/cartoonlobster.jpg" width="320" /></a>Hunny's gone. No, not permanently. But she is out in Vegas this week, cavorting around with a couple of old chums and leaving me here all alone. By myself. You know what that means, don't you? Yep. Wet towels on the bathroom floor, dirty underwear hanging from the chandelier, beer cans strewn helter skelter and most importantly, raised toilet seats. I'll tell you what else it means. Lobstah stew for me and one of my buddies. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">My regular readers, those two of you who may have read part of one of my blog posts, might remember Hunny as the person who made me kill <a href="http://whatdoyoumeanishouldstartablog.blogspot.com/2009/07/flowers-for-jiminy.html">the lust-filled cricket under therefrigerator</a>, and as the one who likes to keep her <a href="http://whatdoyoumeanishouldstartablog.blogspot.com/2011/03/clean-garbage.html">garbage in the refrigerator</a>. There's another thing about her that you probably don't know. She hates seafood. If Hunny had her way there would be no seafood. No shrimp cocktail, no oysters on the half shell, no fish and chips, no fish sticks, no McFish sandwiches. But there would be chicken. Lots and lots of chicken. This is a problem for me. It's not that I don't like chicken, but I never signed on for 24/7 chicken. I like some variety in my food. Fortunately, last Sunday, I got to have it.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">On Saturday, I went to the grocery store hungry, in hopes I'd overspend on seafood. I did. I bought enough shrimp and scallops to kill a horse, and the two lobsters were a nice touch too. I did a little prep work that evening by cooking and shelling the lobster. Here's the procedure:</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">First, name your lobsters as you get your pot of salted water boiling.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Next, thrust the little buggers into the rapidly boiling water head first. No, it's not that it's more merciful that way, it's just so you don't have to hear them scream.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Cook them <i>briefly</i> just enough so that they've stopped struggling and that they've begun to turn a lovely shade of red-green. It's important not to overcook them because they'll cook more when they're added to the stew. You're looking for a color like this:</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-e6SYVezGgNg/Tu9KQy1lePI/AAAAAAAAAak/_E3cX2MD52E/s1600/lobsterpot-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-e6SYVezGgNg/Tu9KQy1lePI/AAAAAAAAAak/_E3cX2MD52E/s1600/lobsterpot-1.jpg" /></a></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Here's Artee on the left and cray on the right. See how Artee's trying to struggle to the surface? He almost made it, crying like a schoolgirl all the way, but <span style="font-style: normal;">I pushed his head back underwater and he eventually gave up the ghost.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Remove the lobsters from the water let sit until they're cool enough to handle. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Crack the shells, remove the meat from the tail, claws, body (yes there's body meat) and legs. It's work but it's worth it.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Refrigerate the lobster meat; retain the shells.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Chop finely one bunch of green onions and one shallot. Saute the shallot and onions in butter. Retain the chopped green onion tops for garnish.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">When the shallots and onions are soft, toss in the lobster shells. If you have any other seafood shells (I had shrimp shells) add them too. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Pour in three cups of milk and three cups of half and half. I used more because I needed extra stock for the seafood linguine I was making.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Simmer on low for an hour or until Hell freezes over I've simmered for up to 2 ½ hours before and it only made the stock better. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Strain the stock and discard the veggies and shells.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Return the stock to the stove, add in the chopped and/or torn lobster and bring up to temperature. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Add one teaspoon of paprika for color; salt and pepper to taste.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Add one to two ounces of dry sherry, if desired. I desired.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Finally, add in a schlop of butter and stir in.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Ladle into bowls, garnish with the onion greens and serve.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-x0QZd4EDI5Q/Tu9Kk_4jSNI/AAAAAAAAAas/qQ9H5FB6tIs/s1600/Lobstah+Stew.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-x0QZd4EDI5Q/Tu9Kk_4jSNI/AAAAAAAAAas/qQ9H5FB6tIs/s320/Lobstah+Stew.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">You'll notice there are no potatoes in this stew. There are no carrots. The onions (except for the garnish) have been strained out. There is only one star, and it is the lobster. Lobster needs little help to shine. In fact, too many ingredients would only take away from what this dish has to offer. So keep it simple and remember to take your gout medicine.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">By the way, we also had seafood linguine. Here's a pic. Be jealous.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-T5K2wo5kX4M/Tu9K9atIy2I/AAAAAAAAAa0/c_5WYQ1MLdE/s1600/Cabaret+Seafood+Linguine.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-T5K2wo5kX4M/Tu9K9atIy2I/AAAAAAAAAa0/c_5WYQ1MLdE/s320/Cabaret+Seafood+Linguine.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">And I have leftovers.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">And you don't. </div>Haggis Chihuahuahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17726140053770024770noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532516427625905373.post-68108622453538104642011-10-03T19:09:00.000-07:002011-10-04T07:03:54.981-07:00Sleep Study, Part the Second<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4mBDt-bu1JY/ToppRaYrpEI/AAAAAAAAAag/1mjim_Xklm4/s1600/scuba-diving-chihuahua-01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4mBDt-bu1JY/ToppRaYrpEI/AAAAAAAAAag/1mjim_Xklm4/s320/scuba-diving-chihuahua-01.jpg" width="260" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Suppose you were a dog, and suppose somebody grabbed your snout, stuck it in their mouth and then blew a continuous stream of warm, fetid air into your nostrils for the next eight hours. That's pretty much what happened to me last Thursday night, except for the dog and snout part. Yes, that's right. Five months after I had <a href="http://whatdoyoumeanishouldstartablog.blogspot.com/2011/04/sleep-study-part-first.html">Sleep Study, Part the First</a>, I finally got around to Sleep Study, Part the Second.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">If you read the earlier post, you'll remember I promised a follow up report. The thing is, I hated the first part of the test so much that I did everything I could to avoid setting up the second part. But my daughters were not amused, and my doctor was not amused, and especially the people who stand to make money by renting me their equipment were not amused, so I finally bit the bullet and went in for the rest of it.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The preparation was much the same. It started in a small torture chamber where they loaded me up with twenty pounds of wires and electrodes placed every few inches all over my body, with the technicians taking special pains to both glue and duct tape them to the hairiest parts. Yeah, that included my lower legs. How electrodes attached to my lower legs can help them detect sleep apnea, a breathing issue, is beyond me, but what do I know? I wasn't complaining. At least they didn't use pop rivets this time.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Once they got me all wired up we returned to my room for the mask fitting. The bed had already been turned down, but, sadly, there was no chocolate mint on the pillow. I blew off the poor service and allowed the tech to stick the mask onto my face and adjust the straps to the point that they dug into my skin deep enough to cause gangrene. The seal would be better that way, he told me. I'm pretty sure he expected me to believe that.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">"You'll feel a slight rush of air when I turn the machine on," the guy said. Right. And I'm sure when Julius and Ethel Rosenberg were strapped into their respective electric chairs, somebody told them, " You'll feel a slight tingle."</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">He flipped the switch. Hurricane Katrina blew up my nose and out my mouth. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">"You've got to keep your mouth closed," he said.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I closed my mouth. My head asploded.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Ten minutes later, I finally figured out how to breathe with the gear on. The technician turned out the light, and wished me a good night's sleep. He retired to his SEEKRUT HIED OWT where he proceeded to watch me all night when he wasn't videotaping me for whatever kinky website they sell those things to.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I'll say this. The experience wasn't particularly pleasant, but I was somehow able to sleep all the way through with that stuff covering my nose except for one interruption when the tech guy had to come in and retighten the mask. He didn't re-tuck me in and he didn't give me a good night kiss, which was, I believe, best for both of us.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">He woke me up about 6:30 and, after de-masking, de-wiring, de-hairing my body and making me fill out thirty seven forms in three different languages (French, Italian and Hebrew) they sent me on my way.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">So now I'm waiting for the insurance company to approve the system the doctor ordered. Like all insurance companies, they are in no hurry to comply, but I expect they will eventually. When they do, I'll have to use the system all the time or they'll take it away. They'll check. I know they will.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The good news is that I've talked to a number of people who are wired into a CPAP machine every night. They tell me that 1) you do get used to it, and 2) I should expect to have weird, bizarre dreams. As a writer of horror stories, I'm all about weird and bizarre dreams. So I'll let you know if I get any good stories out of it.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">EPILOGUE</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The machine arrives Friday. Pray for me.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">*shudder*</div>Haggis Chihuahuahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17726140053770024770noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532516427625905373.post-53171895200482226292011-08-07T10:59:00.000-07:002011-08-07T11:27:18.260-07:00Dickwads<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-I-pdBGJC_HI/Tj7OQu2TnKI/AAAAAAAAAaU/Ip-rXqGT7UY/s1600/VA%2BVan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="197" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-I-pdBGJC_HI/Tj7OQu2TnKI/AAAAAAAAAaU/Ip-rXqGT7UY/s200/VA%2BVan.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">I'm a wee bit unhappy with some of my neighbors. They're not close by neighbors, living as they do in a more affluent section of town, but they're close enough that if they played golf at the public course where I play, had a beer at the local gin mill, or picked up chicken at the local KFC like I sometimes do, I'd run into them from time to time. But, of course, they do none of those things. They can afford better.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Now, before you think this is going to be a slam against rich people, think again. The ability to go from poor to rich has always been one of the Great American Dreams and I will never fault anyone for having achieved it. Nor am I envious. I like my public golf course. They know me at my local pub and treat me just fine so I'm happy when I go there. And I really enjoy KFC. Honest.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Okay. Okay, KFC is crap. But the rest of it is true enough. Mostly.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">So, why am I perturbed with my almost neighbors? I'ma tell you.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">There's a VA hospital not far from where I live (for those of you non-'Mericans, that's a Veterans Administration Hospital). The hospital's even closer to where my well-to-do friends live. The hospital and the upscale neighborhood existed side by each without incident for years. And then the Vietnam vets started getting old. And the Iraq and Afghanistan vets came home needing medical care. The hospital census exploded. With inpatient and outpatient counts through the roof, hospital parking was at a premium. The VA had no choice but to build another parking structure. But, of course, it takes time to build a parking structure and their need was immediate. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Enter the Huron Hills Church. They were only a mile down the road from the hospital, had extra parking space available and were happy to lease it to the government as a temporary staff parking lot. The hospital purchased two vans and arranged a shuttle service, ferrying workers back and forth between the church and the hospital. And everybody was happy. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Well, not quite. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mrnY7E5kaI0/Tj7OfTV9xeI/AAAAAAAAAac/9lt8JNzfD5U/s1600/KennedyTedGreenpeaceAd.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="149" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mrnY7E5kaI0/Tj7OfTV9xeI/AAAAAAAAAac/9lt8JNzfD5U/s200/KennedyTedGreenpeaceAd.jpg" width="200" /></a>Much like Ted Kennedy objected to the proposed energy-efficient windmill farm in Nantucket Sound that would have obstructed the scenic view from his Hyannis Port compound, the residents of Glazier Way in Ann Arbor have objected to the "howling, screeching shuttle buses" that pass through their otherwise serene neighborhood ruining their reverie. The noise is apparently more than the residents can bear. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">"We and our neighbors are the victims of the noise and traffic generated by this commercial enterprise," said the president of the neighborhood association in <a href="http://ww.annarbor.com/news/glazier-way-residents-in-ann-arbor-upset-over-va-shuttle-buses-going-through-neighborhood/">an article in Ann Arbor.com</a>. "The buses literally wake us up every morning and annoy us all day long."</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Well, boo fricken hoo. Excuse me while I shed a tear for the "victims."</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Then there was the woman who, in a comment appended to the story, objected to the look of the vans. "That paint job is pretty 'loud' too, "she said. "Maybe something less obtrusive?"</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The paint job she objected to can be seen in the top picture in this post. Those "obtrusive colors," are contained in a representation of a red, white and blue American flag. Having served under those colors for three years, I can't quite find it in my heart to agree with her, and I expect the patients of a Veterans Hospital might have the same problem.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">But that's not important. What's important is the serenity of the residents--the victims of Glazier Way. Never mind that these shuttle buses are only a temporary inconvenience. Never mind that these shuttle busses are using a public road. Never mind that these shuttle busses transport staff who take care of sick and injured veterans--perhaps preparing their meals or cleaning their treatment rooms or checking vital signs or changing their IV bags. Perhaps they're there just to hold a veteran's hand as he dies. None of that matters. To them. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">But like I said, I have nothing against these folks just because they're affluent. In other circumstances a poor person might act this way I suppose. But poor or rich, I do have something against dickwads. And now I know that some of them live on Glazier Way.</div>Haggis Chihuahuahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17726140053770024770noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532516427625905373.post-25533841934151048112011-07-10T07:50:00.000-07:002011-07-10T07:50:04.093-07:00One Guy's Perspective: Book Comments - Dustin Time - Part II, a Guy Friendly Chick Book<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2KXJYlQF5rY/Thm77TSp68I/AAAAAAAAAaE/SpJajjNrFWg/s1600/Cover%2BDustinTime-250x250.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2KXJYlQF5rY/Thm77TSp68I/AAAAAAAAAaE/SpJajjNrFWg/s200/Cover%2BDustinTime-250x250.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><br />
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt;">Special thanks to <a href="http://www.blogger.com/profile/14115085533635353291">Kay Theodoratus</a>, from whom I have stolen the term "book comments."</span></i></b><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">As you may recall, in the previous blog post (Why I Wasn't an English Major, AKA Dustin Time Part I) I mentioned the title of a book, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Dustin Time</i>, and named the author, June "Bug" Kramin. And that's pretty much all I had to say about it. The past couple of weeks my life has been a living hell because of that, what with June Bug plotting my death and all, so I decided I'd better take the time to write out a few book comments to go along with that sterling introduction. I'm writing book comments because I never do book reviews. Never.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Here we go.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">In the interest of fair disclosure, I should admit I know June Bug personally. We have had more than one cocktail together and several meals too. I have introduced her to probably the best deli in the world inside of which sits the best cheese shop in the world. At least the best cheese shop in Ann Arbor. She could have shared a piece of the cheese she bought there had she been the kind of person willing to share her cheese which she is not. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">No, I have not born any of Bug's children, but it's safe to say we're friends. So you might think I'd let our friendship get in the way of a fair and accurate review of her book. Perhaps it is possible I might overlook glaringly purple prose, as-you-know-Bobisms or even excessive adjectivitis. Because we're buds it's conceivable I might avoid commenting on two-dimensional characters, poor plotting or ghastly grammar. Because we're pals, I might just ignore seriously bad writing and give her great props, just because.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Nah. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">If Bug's book sucked, I'd tell you so. Okay, maybe not. More likely, I wouldn't write about it in the first place in order to spare her feelings. She'd do the same for me too, I know. That's why I know when she finally blogs about any of my stories, I'm sure it will be a good review. That is, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">when</i> she reviews anything of mine. Which she hasn't yet but will, I'm sure. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Some day. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Any day now.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">*crickets*</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">So, here's the thing. You have to understand that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Dustin Time</i> is a chick book. I mean, all you gotta do is look at the cover to figure that out. I knew that going in, and the last time I checked I'm not a chick. So I wasn't quite sure what I'd be getting myself into when I started reading. I did know Bug is insane and that she's funny as sin. I hoped some of that would come through in the story to help get me over the hump of all the "relationship" crapola that would of necessity also be there in a chick book, draining my man-energy and forcing me to take periodic breaks flipping through chain saw catalogs in order to set my head straight. As it turns out, I didn't have to do that. Bug fixed it for me. How, you ask? Shower scenes.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I'll explain. But first you need to know a few things about the story. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">See, there's this chick, Kaitlyn who's seeing this guy Dustin. There's not a thing wrong with Dustin. He's handsome, clever, funny, employed... But Kaitlyn, being a chick, has to find something wrong with him (if you're a guy you'll understand what I'm talking about here). Dustin's younger than her, and in Kaitlyn's mind this justifies ending the relationship--notice I just used the dreaded "R" word. So Kaitlyn's thinking about all of this when she steps into the shower. She stops thinking about it when Dustin lets himself into her house (she gave him a key) and joins her in the shower, which is sort where I started paying attention to the story. And it's that kind of thing which is repeated enough in the story so that it kept my attention from cover to cover. In other words, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Dustin Time</i> may be a chick book, but Bug wrote it with enough bait so a guy could enjoy it as well.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">There are other things that make this novel guy-friendly. Kaitlyn travels back and forth in time repeatedly which is a kind of science fictiony thing which guys dig. Especially when you throw in the occasional grope, which Bug does. That is to say Bug writes about the gropes. She doesn't grope herself. It's Kaitlyn who does the groping. Well, Dustin too, but you know how guys are. Anyhow, there's lots of groping. There's an old janitor too, but I'm not going to talk about him, except to say he doesn't grope. He might have when he was younger.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Don’t get me wrong. This book is certainly not pRon, nor is it erotica--not that there's anything wrong with that. But there is enough sexual tension in it to maintain a guy's...um...attention.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">It has an ending too. A good ending. But I'm not going to tell you what it is because if I did there'd be no reason for you go out and buy this book, which you should. While you're doing it, keep in mind that there will be a sequel too. And you'll really like the sequel. I know, because I've been privy to some of the plot points. And you haven't. Pbthhhht.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">So guys, go ahead and get out your credit card and <a href="http://champagnebooks.com/shop/index.php?route=product/product&product_id=50">go here</a> to order your copy of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Dustin Time</i>. If you don't want the other guys to know you've ordered it, use your first initial on the order form. No one will be the wiser, and I won't report you for any man-card violation. By the time you're halfway through the first shower scene you'll thank me.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div>Haggis Chihuahuahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17726140053770024770noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532516427625905373.post-32377762988991172652011-06-25T09:50:00.000-07:002011-06-25T09:50:30.467-07:00Why I Wasn't an English Major<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style>
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-CwiG-V-X6Io/TgYQFaRbTiI/AAAAAAAAAZ4/qx9QJSPcxy0/s1600/english+major.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-CwiG-V-X6Io/TgYQFaRbTiI/AAAAAAAAAZ4/qx9QJSPcxy0/s1600/english+major.jpg" /></a>Do you wanna know why I wasn't an English major? </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="ES-MX" style="mso-ansi-language: ES-MX;">Do ya, punk? Huh? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="ES-MX" style="mso-ansi-language: ES-MX;">Do ya?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="ES-MX" style="mso-ansi-language: ES-MX;">You don't?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Well, Ima tell you anyhow. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">One word. "Book reviews."</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I hated book reviews with a passion in high school, and the first few English and/or Literature classes I took in college gave me more of the same. No, it wasn't exactly like High School book reviews, but it wasn't all that different either:</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">"Describe the theme in this book."</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">"Characterize the relationship between the protagonist and her siblings.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">"Discuss the reason the author chose purple as the color of Matt's bedroom wallpaper."</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">"Why did the vulture land on Mrs. Winkle's veranda, and what, if anything, did it portend?"</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">"What did Bob mean when he said 'Ma, I killed the cat?'"</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Grrr.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I came to writing later in life largely because in my youth I believed that, in order to be a writer, I had to start with a theme, develop an outline, have a reason for everything that happened in the story, and, when one of my characters killed a cat, there had to be some reason for it other than "I just wanted to kill the damn cat."</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">But I did start writing eventually, and found that I didn't need a theme, I didn't have to write an outline, and my characters can sometimes kill cats just because they're sociopathic dickwads. The characters, not the cats. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I still don't do book reviews though. Why? Because I refuse to look for themes. I will not characterize relationships. I won't try to get inside the head of the author and pretentiously assume that I might understand why he did "a" in a story rather than "b." <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And if Bobby Jim kills the cat, I'm not going to look for any special reason why. I'm simply going to assume that's part of Bobby Jim's character, and that it's important to the story or the author wouldn't have written it like he did, and then I'll go on from there. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">So that's why I don't do book reviews. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Except that I'm going to start doing book reviews. But I'll be doing them on my terms. There will be no discussion of themes, no pretending I actually know what I'm talking about (because I most assuredly do not), but I will tell you what I like and what I don't like and why.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I won't be doing reviews on famous writers. They have enough reviewers to keep them unhappy. I'll concentrate on not-or-almost-ready-for-prime-time-writers--many of whom will be peeps I've come across since I've involved myself in the writing world.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I'll be looking at stories that are way outside my comfort zone too--romance, fantasy, erotica and, yes, even literary. But I'll review them my way. Not Miss Webster's* way, may she Rest In Peace. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">And I'm not going to do this all the time either. I'll do it to fill in from time to time in between my normal meaningless drivel. And only when I feel like it. So there.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">So I'll be starting today with my first review: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Dustin Time</i> by June Kramin.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">*checks watch* </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Oops, sorry Bug. Out of time. Too bad it was such a short review. Maybe I might get the chance to post a little more about it next time.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">And, Bug? One more thing. Please don't hurt me.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">*Miss Webster was my English teacher in Middle School for two years running. She pounded a great deal of grammar into my head and some of it even stuck. She taught me that "not is always an adverb." And, Dog bless her heart, she taught me to hate outlining, even as she loved it so. </div>Haggis Chihuahuahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17726140053770024770noreply@blogger.com24tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532516427625905373.post-76966714829776846992011-06-18T18:54:00.000-07:002011-06-19T19:11:51.405-07:00Birds of a Feather--Fathers' Day Edition<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0uOGGA0Q1EU/Tf1YD0zABwI/AAAAAAAAAZk/RDZS2q8LWFo/s1600/dove%2Bmomma.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5619744732763653890" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0uOGGA0Q1EU/Tf1YD0zABwI/AAAAAAAAAZk/RDZS2q8LWFo/s200/dove%2Bmomma.jpg" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; float: left; height: 156px; margin: 0 10px 10px 0; width: 200px;" /></a>Do you remember the Mourning Dove that had her nest in a little alcove above the door to my apartment building last year? No? Well, maybe you would have if I'd bothered to post anything about it. Anyhow, that's her in the picture to the left. She had one chick and they both stayed vewy, vewy quiet, afraid as they must have been of all the screaming little kids who live in my building and are in and out of that door dozens of times during the day.<br />
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Alas, the dove decided not to join us this year. I can't say that I blame her. In addition to the mob of overly loud children in the building, there's now a pack of teenage boys. I refer to them as "The Gang of Four." Hunny simply calls them "The Hoodlums."<br />
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As a former teenage boy, I am acutely aware of how evil teenage boys can be, and it wouldn't surprise me if one or more of them decided they'd like to find out if eggs bounced or if newly hatched chicks fly when tossed into the air. Mark Twain once said, "When a boy turns thirteen, seal him in a barrel and feed him through a knot hold. When he turns sixteen, plug up the knot hole." Then, as now, that is good, practical advice.<br />
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But like I said, that Mourning Dove outsmarted the teenagers by not showing up this spring. So instead of Mourning Dove babies outside our front door, this year we had Robin babies outside our bedroom window.<br />
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I'll explain.<br />
<span style="font-size: 100%;"><br />
We'd been watching since the day an enterprising male dragged the first twig into the bushes by the side of our building. Apparently nobody told him about the kids or the hoodlums who live here, because he built that nest at eye level, way too close to the ground. But nobody touched it.<br />
</span><br />
Through all the wind and rain we had this spring, that nest stayed in place, as did Momma, plopped protectively on her eggs. We never knew exactly when the eggs hatched, but one mrning I awoke to much bird screeching. I peeked out the window and saw two gaping mouths poking up out of the nest, and they were making a whole heck of a lot of noise.<br />
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The chicks grew quickly as children are wont to do, and pretty soon the first chick took off, leaving her brother behind. No, I never actually checked their respective sexes, but girls always develop before boys and I saw no reason to believe it would be any different with birds. We figured that in a day or two he'd join his sister and we'd have nothing to watch out the window any more. But the little fellow stayed. And then he stayed some more. Oh, sure, he'd venture out into the bushes occasionally, but never far from the nest. And there's no question he was too frightened to try to actually, you know, fly.<br />
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It finally hit th<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SQVbXQgR8cI/Tf1mo-zXEpI/AAAAAAAAAZ0/-4kKV-ajgZ8/s1600/robin%2Bpic.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5619760764267467410" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SQVbXQgR8cI/Tf1mo-zXEpI/AAAAAAAAAZ0/-4kKV-ajgZ8/s200/robin%2Bpic.JPG" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; float: left; height: 165px; margin: 0 10px 10px 0; width: 200px;" /></a>e fan one day. As Junior inched along some branches a good foot from the nest, Dad came by with breakfast. As the sight of his father, Junior opened his beak and demanded his Happy Meal. That's when Dad snapped.<br />
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Did you ever hear a Robin swear? Well, this one did. I'm sure of it. And he swore in spite of the mouth full of worms he'd been carrying. He screamed back at Junior. Then he screamed some more. And Junior retreated further and further away from the nest until we could no longer see him in the bushes.<br />
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It was tough love, is what it was, or maybe Dad had simply had enough. But Dad kicked Junior out of the house that day. Told him to go get a job. Of that I'm certain, because we never saw that little bird again.<br />
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So let that be a lesson to all you fathers out there this Fathers' Day. There may come a time when it's past time for your kids to leave the nest. Don't be afraid to scream at them through a mouth full of worms, and don't be afraid to show them the door either. And whatever you do, once they're gone, don't forget to change the lock.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: times new roman;"></div><span style="font-family: times new roman; font-size: 100%; font-style: italic;">*actual pics of Momma Dove and Junior Robin* </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"> </div>Haggis Chihuahuahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17726140053770024770noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532516427625905373.post-80997721736000152402011-05-29T09:18:00.000-07:002011-05-30T10:12:16.050-07:00The Magic Finger<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fSG5-5WsO5s/TeKZIKxMFXI/AAAAAAAAAYA/IbpdpGFtSgg/s1600/finger-pointing2.gif"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 200px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fSG5-5WsO5s/TeKZIKxMFXI/AAAAAAAAAYA/IbpdpGFtSgg/s200/finger-pointing2.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5612216451265729906" border="0" /></a><br />So the world's still here, and Teh Rapture that <span style="font-weight: bold;">Harold Camping</span> predicted didn't happen after all. I don't know about you, but I was sorely disappointed. I'd spent a ton of money on a good pair of binoculars just so I could watch naked people float up to Heaven. Now they're only good for bird watching or checking out my neighbor half a block away.<br /><br />I got to thinking about it and I'm pretty well convinced Mr. Camping was funning with us--giving us the finger, so to speak. Then I saw a picture of the fellow and it pretty much confirmed it.<br /><br />Take a look and see what you think.<br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Mh-Xn2cjD7Y/TeJ02_tJYmI/AAAAAAAAAWA/O-C7M4rCoZQ/s1600/Harold-Camping-2002.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 160px; height: 200px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Mh-Xn2cjD7Y/TeJ02_tJYmI/AAAAAAAAAWA/O-C7M4rCoZQ/s200/Harold-Camping-2002.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5612176573819609698" border="0" /></a><br /><br /></div>Now, when I saw that picture, right away it reminded me of another religious leader who also liked to give us the finger. I'm not saying Camping is as bad as that guy, but you've got to admit the two pictures are eerily similar.<br /><br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9yl4bRBtc14/TeJ2Ekq6RjI/AAAAAAAAAWI/fwGRr05SVOc/s1600/osama_bin_laden.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 152px; height: 200px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9yl4bRBtc14/TeJ2Ekq6RjI/AAAAAAAAAWI/fwGRr05SVOc/s200/osama_bin_laden.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5612177906592269874" border="0" /></a><br />#<br /></div><br />Of course, this is nothing new. So-called religious leaders have been giving people the finger for a very long time. Surely that first Neanderthal who drew a mystical picture on a cave wall or placed a flower on a grave while making strange grunts exercised some kind of power over his brethren. And if he was anything like most of the people who find themselves in positions of power, he took advantage of it too.<br /><br />Later on in human history, the Crusades, as we know, pitted Christians against Muslims, for God's sake. And today, nearly 1000 years later, it seems as though that particular war is not over. Imagine, 1000 years of war just to prove that my God is better than your God. It's particularly ironic when you realize both religions share the same God.<br /><br /><br />The Spanish Inquisiti<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hJBgZOQnVwI/TeO8E7rYtQI/AAAAAAAAAYI/ZRQOxpj-rt4/s1600/spanish%2Binquisition.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 131px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hJBgZOQnVwI/TeO8E7rYtQI/AAAAAAAAAYI/ZRQOxpj-rt4/s200/spanish%2Binquisition.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5612536353558934786" border="0" /></a>on was a fun time in the history of religion too. <span style="font-weight: bold;">Friar Tomas de Torquemada</span> and his buds gave more than the finger to the heretics. They also gave them the pear, the cage, the strappado and the aselli. Of course there are no photographs from that time, but there sure are a whole lot of neat drawings and etchings that point the finger at the true perpetrators.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">#<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Q6s8Ie1Amqc/TeO9vbUaLBI/AAAAAAAAAYQ/XA2-FQljRl4/s1600/rasputin.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 169px; height: 200px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Q6s8Ie1Amqc/TeO9vbUaLBI/AAAAAAAAAYQ/XA2-FQljRl4/s200/rasputin.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5612538183118629906" border="0" /></a></div><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin</span>, the Mad Monk, was Russian mystic<em></em> and faith healer brought into the royal household by Nicholas II and his wife, Alexandra to tend to their son, Alexei. In his spare time, he ate and drank to excess and ravished pretty much any woman he could get his hands on. He kind of reminds me of <span>a late 18th Century, early 19th Century</span><span style="font-weight: bold;"> Jim Bakker</span>. But at least Rasputin was an interesting guy. If you haven't read any stories about his murder you should. It's a perfect example of truth being stranger than fiction.<br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">#<br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_kRFNhx16Dc/TeO-HKAAEQI/AAAAAAAAAYY/4jQVjtt-D-w/s1600/aimee%2Bsemple%2Bmacphereson.jpeg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 157px; height: 200px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_kRFNhx16Dc/TeO-HKAAEQI/AAAAAAAAAYY/4jQVjtt-D-w/s200/aimee%2Bsemple%2Bmacphereson.jpeg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5612538590786490626" border="0" /></a><br /></div> <span style="font-weight: bold;">Aimee Semple McPhereson</span> and <span style="font-weight: bold;">Father Charles Coughlin</span> are two shining examples of finger-giving religious leaders from the 1920s and 1930s. McPhereson preached a conservative, evangelical brand of Christianity, yet managed to divorce and remarry (something she taught others was sinful), and allegedly, eventually staged her own kidnapping so she could spend quality time with her lover.<br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-EKf4U5Q5yiM/TeJ_ZEavb1I/AAAAAAAAAWg/cErZyqpY638/s1600/aimee%2Bsemple%2Bmacphereson.jpeg"><br /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DCypsBSYel8/TeO-Wg0GpHI/AAAAAAAAAYg/HtceFQMQYN8/s1600/FAther%2BCoughlin.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 146px; height: 200px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DCypsBSYel8/TeO-Wg0GpHI/AAAAAAAAAYg/HtceFQMQYN8/s200/FAther%2BCoughlin.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5612538854608643186" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /></div>Father Coughlin preached his own peculiar combination of anti-Semitic, pro Fascist hate from Detroit, Michigan across the airways in the 1930s. His millions of followers, unable to see him giving them the finger over the radio, bought into his message.<br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1etinbAeQo0/TeJ_ri1yVgI/AAAAAAAAAWo/byYwzgC6apk/s1600/FAther%2BCoughlin.jpg"><br /></a><br />#<br /></div><br /><br />The advent of television gave our religions friends yet another way to spread the love of God.<span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span> <span style="font-weight: bold;">Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell</span>, <span style="font-weight: bold;">Jimmy (ah hayuv sinned) Swaggart</span> along with Bakker immediately come to mind.<br /><br />Check out the pictures below. Jimmy appears to be pointing out either original sin or his hooker, while Robertson tries to give his audience the finger but, instead, summons the Devil.<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_WztxqpW59M/TeO-nni0EGI/AAAAAAAAAYo/IGXfQ-08MVY/s1600/JimmySwaggart.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 139px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_WztxqpW59M/TeO-nni0EGI/AAAAAAAAAYo/IGXfQ-08MVY/s200/JimmySwaggart.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5612539148472946786" border="0" /></a><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-I9Cmv5OzBF4/TeKBEzm5_0I/AAAAAAAAAWw/98fDI9vVvyc/s1600/JimmySwaggart.jpg"><br /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-eZn1UwI2MOU/TeO-9CQxkRI/AAAAAAAAAYw/amEcCgsASvc/s1600/pat_robertson_devil_sign.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 149px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-eZn1UwI2MOU/TeO-9CQxkRI/AAAAAAAAAYw/amEcCgsASvc/s200/pat_robertson_devil_sign.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5612539516422295826" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ezuMi_phUKY/TeO_WuYp27I/AAAAAAAAAY4/4TBBDcnvF6s/s1600/FalwellJerry.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 150px; height: 200px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ezuMi_phUKY/TeO_WuYp27I/AAAAAAAAAY4/4TBBDcnvF6s/s200/FalwellJerry.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5612539957763234738" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br />This picture shows Jerry Falwell performing the most important act of his ministry--outing the children's television cartoon character Tinky Winky.<br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-q7VlVZ9vwM0/TeKCrwedlII/AAAAAAAAAXA/p8BAAXrhJTc/s1600/FalwellJerry.jpg"><br /></a><br /><br /><br /></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;">#<br /><br /></div><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Rev. Jim Jones</span> gave his followers the finger along with the Kool Aid. Then he put that same finger on the trigger and blew his brains out. It's a shame he didn't pull the trigger first.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9iBzekB2bew/TeKDydNBodI/AAAAAAAAAXI/MmnaQQmhZsE/s1600/Rev%2BJim%2BJones.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 146px; height: 200px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9iBzekB2bew/TeKDydNBodI/AAAAAAAAAXI/MmnaQQmhZsE/s200/Rev%2BJim%2BJones.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5612192988513018322" border="0" /></a><br /><br />#<br /><br /><br /></div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Marshall App</span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" style="font-weight: bold;" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GhTzrhH9so8/TePABjKXxUI/AAAAAAAAAZA/YWIlsPELR3E/s1600/marshall-applewhite.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 128px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GhTzrhH9so8/TePABjKXxUI/AAAAAAAAAZA/YWIlsPELR3E/s200/marshall-applewhite.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5612540693484913986" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">legate</span>--remember him?--of the Heaven's Gate cult believed a space ship was trailing the comet, Hale-Bopp, so in the late 1990s, he and many of his fellow travelers donned new Nike's, fresh jumpsuits, ingested cyanide and tied plastic bags over their heads so they could join up with the space ship. Applegate was probably sincere in his beliefs, so I suppose you can't really accuse him of giving his followers the finger. He did, however, take their testicles.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">#<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yR7gWUXJS2g/TePAcPEAPqI/AAAAAAAAAZI/bwx-cUn4oGk/s1600/rev.%2Bwright.jpeg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 150px; height: 200px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yR7gWUXJS2g/TePAcPEAPqI/AAAAAAAAAZI/bwx-cUn4oGk/s200/rev.%2Bwright.jpeg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5612541151945965218" border="0" /></a></div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Rev. Jeremiah </span><span style="font-weight: bold;">Wright</span> came into the public eye with Barack Obama's run for the White House. As Obama's minister for 20 years, it is fair to say the good Reverend might have had some influence on him over those years. That's why when some of Wright's less than stellar pronouncements came to light, Obama was forced to distance himself from the man who had performed his wedding ceremony or suffer damage to his own credibility. So in an unintended way, Rev. Wright wound up giving Barack Obama the finger. And I guess I'll take the opportunity to give him the finger here for saying "God bless America? God damn America."<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LHkZveoBx8U/TeKK7c0i0VI/AAAAAAAAAXY/sjz1O7P2fXE/s1600/rev.%2Bwright.jpeg"><br /></a><br /><div style="text-align: center;">#<br /><br /></div><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Fred Phelps</span>. Wh<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6bFaKsPYeD8/TePC4FBJCII/AAAAAAAAAZQ/MuigOV0zwSw/s1600/freaky-fred-phelps.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 192px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6bFaKsPYeD8/TePC4FBJCII/AAAAAAAAAZQ/MuigOV0zwSw/s200/freaky-fred-phelps.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5612543829309196418" border="0" /></a>at can I say about Fred Phelps. Well, I know what I'd like to say to him, and what with him being such a proponent of freedom of speech, I know he'd just sit back and smile while I said it. Either that or sick his lawyers on me.<br /><br />Phelps, of course, is the leader of the Westboro Baptist Church, a Topeka, Kansas-based sect of inbred--wait, did I say "inbred?" I have no way of knowing that. Scratch that. Let's just say this sect is ... different. It seems to me they pretty much hate everyone. We know for a fact they hate gays and Jews. They're happy when an American soldier dies and take great pains to attend the funeral whenever possible, spreading their message in the meantime.<br /><br />Fred has given so many fingers to so many groups and individuals that they appear to be gnawed off at the knuckle as can be clearly seen in the picture.<br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">#<br /><br /></div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yogh6WOBDN0/TePDZlZ0-gI/AAAAAAAAAZY/MQlCo_rOlDE/s1600/terry_jones.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 170px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yogh6WOBDN0/TePDZlZ0-gI/AAAAAAAAAZY/MQlCo_rOlDE/s200/terry_jones.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5612544404938357250" border="0" /></a><br />The latest champion of the lunatic religious community is one <span style="font-weight: bold;">Rev. Terry Jones</span> (no relation to Jim Jones, I expect). Terry likes to burn books, disrespect the religion of millions, and put American soldiers at risk, thereby giving them the finger. He obviously has been watching Fred Phelps, because he too wraps himself in the United States Constitution.My best guess is that this guy's ego is every bit as large as those of the other "clergy" on this page, and that he's started having a little trouble distinguishing between "Terry" and "God." He does have a pretty neat 'stache, though.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><br />#<br /></div><br />Finally, we have--<br /><br />Wait. How did he get in here?<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gwsyGAtHQXU/TeKTHyHQ1PI/AAAAAAAAAX4/rq8fW6i8nn8/s1600/Obama%2Bfinger.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 131px; height: 200px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gwsyGAtHQXU/TeKTHyHQ1PI/AAAAAAAAAX4/rq8fW6i8nn8/s200/Obama%2Bfinger.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5612209847577662706" border="0" /></a><br />You know, I don't agree with our President on much. But if he's expressing his opinion on religious leaders who are in it for the money, their ego, or the sheer power over others, I'm with him on this one.<br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">#<br /></div><br /><br />Now it's time for a brief homily from Father Haggis:<br /><br />There are many, many wonderful religious leaders in the world, just as there are honest politicians and non-greedy business people. But as I told my kids years ago, if you happen to be in the same room with any of them, it's always a good idea to keep your eyes open, keep your senses sharp and keep a death grip on your wallet.<br /><br />Go in peace.Haggis Chihuahuahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17726140053770024770noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532516427625905373.post-15290874595541849022011-05-03T19:51:00.000-07:002011-05-04T03:56:14.089-07:00Dear Osama bin Laden,<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-woa1nlKZEWI/TcDADD1WkLI/AAAAAAAAAV4/Y1vckqOAarA/s1600/navy-seals-logo.gif"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 133px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-woa1nlKZEWI/TcDADD1WkLI/AAAAAAAAAV4/Y1vckqOAarA/s200/navy-seals-logo.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5602689095250120882" border="0" /></a><br /><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal">So, I hear you're dead, huh? No, no, don't worry. I don't expect you to answer, what with you being dead and all. I mean, if you were Sarah Palin, you probably already would have jumped in with a "you betcha, by golly," but you're Osama bin Laden--or were, that is--and, well, Sarah Palin is still alive. Like you're not.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Okay, that was wrong of me. One person shouldn't make fun of the fact another person is dead. I'm so ashamed of myself.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Okay, I'm not really ashamed at all. But I had you going for a minute, didn't I?</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Osama, let me see if I can express myself a little bit better. But first, let me apologize for being happy. 'Cause, you know, it's not that I'm happy, really. I'm not happy like those folks in your neck of the woods who danced in the streets when you had your people fly our planes into buildings in September of 2001. And I'm not even happy like you seemed to be in those pictures you released of you and your buddies yucking it up after the buildings fell. What I am I guess is satisfied. Yes, that's it. Satisfied. And content that, though justice will never be completely done when it comes to you, at least it's been approached. And that's about all we could ask for.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">You'll not find me out there dancing in the streets. Because, although I'm glad you are dead, you will not find me celebrating. Me and my countrymen and women--most of us anyhow--do not find your death a joyous occasion, but rather a somber one. One for reflection and remembrance. I think our younger folks might be a tad exuberant, but you know how young kids can be. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Osama, you should know that we are proud, so proud of those Navy Seals who took you out. We honor the service of the intelligence community who located you and patiently watched over you like a mother hen, waiting for just the right time to strike. We thank our National Security folks, and our President, who had to order the mission to go forward. And we saw that picture of all of them watching the mission go down live. You know, Osama, I think all Presidents and their advisors should be obligated to watch operations like this go down live. Because those folks are the ones in a position to order young men and women to do stuff that might kill them, and they damn well ought to have the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">cojones</i> to sit there and watch the people die that they've ordered killed. And if the mission goes south, well, they damn well should be obligated to watch that too.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">But none of that's important to you anymore because, as the saying goes, you sleep with the fishes now. Which brings me to my last point. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">I want to apologize in advance to those fishes. Because the next time I'm by the ocean, and I hope it's soon, I intend to piss in it. I sincerely hope the fish understand.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Love,</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Haggis</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p>Haggis Chihuahuahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17726140053770024770noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532516427625905373.post-16562035639019477962011-04-17T09:40:00.000-07:002011-04-17T09:48:11.685-07:00Sleep Study, Part the First<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-M5ZVrc0cxTk/TasYTOOCKeI/AAAAAAAAAVw/ni-ev6V6C8w/s1600/sleep-study2.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 183px; height: 200px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-M5ZVrc0cxTk/TasYTOOCKeI/AAAAAAAAAVw/ni-ev6V6C8w/s200/sleep-study2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5596593680451512802" border="0" /></a><br /><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if !mso]><object classid="clsid:38481807-CA0E-42D2-BF39-B33AF135CC4D" id="ieooui"></object> <style> st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } </style> <![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >I've been busy taking care of some health care related stuff recently, so I was pleased that I was about to be finally free and clear of doctors for the foreseeable future. I was about to leave my doc's office when he said, "One more thing. You need to get a sleep test." </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >"I already know how to sleep. You don't have to test me. SRSLY," I said. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:ES-MXfont-family:";" lang="ES-MX">"No, no, no," he said. </span><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >"We need to test you for sleep apnea."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >"Sleep apnea? But why?"</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >"Because you're old, fat and your family says you snore."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >"They lie."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >"You're avoiding the question."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >"How about them Tigers?"</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >"So let's say next Tuesday? Be there at 8:00 PM.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >Fortunately for me there was a sleep testing facility a mere five minutes away from my home. Unfortunately for me, my insurance company wouldn't pay for that one. Instead, they made me drive the 50 miles into Detroit, dodging bullets all the way, so I could try to fall asleep in one of their aging hospitals.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >Somehow, I managed to find the hospital along with the last parking spot in their lot, which was about three time zones from the lobby. I still managed to report in by the appointed time. And it's a good thing I did, because I only had to wait an hour for them to get to me. Having dealt with too many hospitals in my life already, I had been prepared for the wait. I'd brought my book with me in order to pass the time. And of course it sat there on the front seat of my car, three time zones away, where I had forgotten it.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >They finally put me in a room, where they let me wait another hour. Eventually, the technician came for me. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >"Put on your PJs and meet me in the exam room next door," she said. "We've got to get you wired up."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >If you check out the picture of the freaky looking guy at the beginning of this post (who is not me, BTW), you'll see what they meant by wiring. She stuck wires on my head, my chest, on my neck, behind my ears and on my lower legs. There were two straps around my upper body, and what felt like a thirty pound millstone-like machine hung around my neck, into which ran all the wires. She even wired a little microphone by my throat and topped it all off by shoving probes up my nose. Then she taped everything down. Tape. You know. That stuff that gives you a Brazilian wax job when you eventually remove it.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >Anyhow, I caught a glance of myself in the mirror. I had more wires coming out of my head than Brent Spiner when he played Commander Data on Star Trek Next Gen. And I was starting to feel like John Coffey in the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Green Mile.</i> I swear, if that woman started praying over me or tried to stick a wet sponge on top of my head I was so out of there.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >So she led me back to my room, rolled down the bed covers and I hopped in. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >"Lay back and get comfortable," she said. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >Right</span></i><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >, I thought.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >"You'll be hearing me on the speaker in a few minutes while we check out your connections. Do you have any questions?"</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >"Yes I do," I said. "What if I have to use the rest room in the middle of the night?"</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >"Just say something and I'll come in and disconnect you. I'll be watching you all night so you have nothing to worry about."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >Great. She'd be playing Edward to my Bella. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >By this time it was already an hour past my normal bed time, and though I normally fall asleep within minutes of my head hitting the pillow, this night it took over a half hour. So naturally it didn't bother me at all when she came into the room and adjusted my wires three times during the middle of the night.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >I won't belabor you with the horror story of my trying to sleep that night. Suffice it to say there wasn't much sleep, but apparently there was enough of it for them to collect their data. The tech woke me up about 6:30 and removed the wires, tape and most of my body hair. Then she started in on the questionnaire:</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >Do you feel rested?</span></i><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" > Sure. Never better. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >Are you more tired than normal or less tired than normal?</span></i><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" > How about them Tigers?</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >Did you dream?</span></i><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" > <span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Yes. I dreamed there was this angelic voice booming from the High Heavens telling me, "Do not lie on your stomach." </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >And then they let me go.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >I made it home, showered, washed the gunk out of my hair and tried without success to scrape the tape residue off my various body parts. Just as I was getting ready to head into work, I got a call from the hospital. It was the resident doc who had just reviewed my results.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >"Haggis," she said. "Sleep apnea. You haz it."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" >Great. So now I have to schedule a second test wherein they blow air up my nose in an attempt to help me breathe better while I'm asleep. This should be fun. I sense another blog post in the making, don't you?</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="Times New Roman"font-family:";" > </span></p>Haggis Chihuahuahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17726140053770024770noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532516427625905373.post-87847841724908313872011-03-20T10:15:00.000-07:002011-03-20T10:31:45.579-07:00Conversation with my Father - a Ghost Story<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--DRjmmrG97U/TYY2eVrU9EI/AAAAAAAAAVo/a60sbKkS8Wg/s1600/hands.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 172px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--DRjmmrG97U/TYY2eVrU9EI/AAAAAAAAAVo/a60sbKkS8Wg/s200/hands.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5586212282642527298" border="0" /></a><br /><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if !mso]><object classid="clsid:38481807-CA0E-42D2-BF39-B33AF135CC4D" id="ieooui"></object> <style> st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } </style> <![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >I got to thinking about my father the other day. He's been gone for some time now, and as I sat there playing with my iPod, I wondered what he'd think about that amazing little gadget. I realized too that there are a slew of other things that would be new and different to him if he were only here to see them. And then I figured, <i style="">I pretend to be a writer, right? Why don't I bring him back and have a conversation with him?</i></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >And so I did.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >And here he is.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >Folks, <a href="http://whatdoyoumeanishouldstartablog.blogspot.com/2009/01/posthumous-contribution-from-my-father.html">meet my dad</a>.<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >#</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >It was Tuesday evening and I'd been feeling kind of off the whole day. Rather than stop in for Happy Hour, my usual Tuesday evening plan, I went straight home instead. As I unlocked the door and started inside, I could sense that something wasn't right. I turned on the lights and there was an old man, sitting on my sofa, staring up at me.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >My jaw hit the floor, and I collapsed backward into a conveniently placed arm chair.<span style=""> </span>Thank Dog I'm the one writing this piece or I might have fallen flat on my ass instead.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"What...who...Dad, is ...is that you? But it can't be you. You're dead."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"You're ugly. What's your point?"</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"You can't be here. It's impossible. You're dead."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Yeah, and you're old. Judging by how you look, I'd rather be dead.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >I stared at him for what seemed like forever but was, in reality, only a minute or so. He sure looked like my father did the last time I saw him alive.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"So, what's new?" he said.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Wait a minute. You show up, unannounced after--what--almost forty years and ask me what's new?"</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"It seemed like a good place to start."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"This is insane. I don't believe in ghosts. You can't be here."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Why not? There's no sign. Besides, I won't stay long. I just thought I'd stop in and check up on you."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"I'm fine. Things are fine. But you're still dead."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"I thought we established that earlier."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"We did, but I still don't believe in ghosts."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Okay, then. How about this instead? I'm not a ghost. And, see, I'm not your father either. I'm a violent, tiger blood drinking Torpedo of Truth. A warlock from Mars, flying the F-16 of Winning, while crushing my enemies with my flaming fists of fire."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Wha--"</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Okay, that's a lie. I saw some guy on your T V who spewed stupid like that. What an idiot. <span style=""> </span>But I really am your father. Believe it or not, I don't care. Either way, I'd like to ask you some questions anyhow."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"I guess. Sure. Why not?"</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Okay. I was looking out your window and I saw a bunch of kids. They were wearing baseball caps. You know baseball caps?"</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"I know baseball caps."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"See, they had them on backwards with the bill pointing behind them and off to the side. What's up with that?"</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"That? That's just a style thing. All the kids do that nowadays."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"But it makes no sense. They can't keep the sun out of their eyes with the bill in the back. What are they trying to do, keep the sun off their asses?"</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Man, you've changed. I never heard you use the word 'ass' before."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"You loosen up once you're dead."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Apparently."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"But about those kids, there was this one kid. I swear, his trousers were down to his knees and his crotch was dragging on the ground. You could see they guy's underpants."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Another style thing. Hip-Hop."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Hip-Hop? What's that supposed to mean?"</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >'Beats me. Nobody ever explained it to me either."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"You're not much help, are you? Anyhow, you remember those kids with the baseball hats? They had wires in their ears."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Wires?"</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Yeah, wires. One on each side. "</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Oh. I get it. No, see, those are earbuds for their MP3 players."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Thanks. That's clear as mud."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"They were listening to music. It's kind of like the old transistor radios were. Only smaller and a lot more efficient."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Not all that efficient. One kid walked straight into a tree. In fairness, it might have been because of that thing he was holding. He kept tapping it with his thumbs."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Ah. He was texting."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Texting?"</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Yeah. That was his phone. People can type messages into their phones now and send it to whoever they want."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Why don't they call them instead?"</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"I never understood that either."<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Maybe you're not as dumb as you look, but these kids today--"</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Hey! Lighten up on the kids. I've got grandchildren now, you know."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"They let you reproduce? What were they thinking?"</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Come on. You saw one of my daughters. Even got to hold her in your arms. That was a couple of weeks before you died."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Yeah, I remember. She was a cutie. Didn't take after you at all."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"And I've got another daughter you never had the chance to meet. You'd like her too. And five grandspawn between the two of 'em."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Five? Any of them smoke a pipe?"</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Nope. People don't smoke too much any more."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Even you? I remember when you used to sneak those cigarettes on the back porch. You thought you were getting away with it."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Nope. Even I don't smoke any more. And besides, I knew you knew. You just didn't want to get Mom all riled up is all."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Trust me. It was better she didn't know."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"You're probably right."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"But enough of that. Tell me what else is new nowadays."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Well, for one thing, pretty much every home has a computer now. We use them for everything--email, news, entertainment, paying bills, banking..."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Is this your computer here?"</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Yep."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Doesn't look like much more than a fancy typewriter. Besides, it's defective. It doesn't have a 'cents key.'"</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"We don't need a 'cents key' any more. Stuff costs way more than you remember. When people get pennies back in change now, they leave them at the store. They don't want to bother with them."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"You're depressing me. Tell me something that will make me feel better."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Well...we have a black President now."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"You're kidding."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"No, it's the truth. His father was born in Kenya."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Well, I'll be. I never thought I'd live to see a black President."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"You didn't."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"You don't have to be so blunt about it."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >I shrugged. He sighed. Then he checked his watch.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Well, I guess I've taken up enough of your time. I should be getting back now."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Wait. You can't go yet. I've got questions too. Lots of questions."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Well, hurry up then. One question is all I have time for. Make it a good one."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Okay. What's it like? Being dead, I mean. Is death a terrible place to be?"</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Well, let me put it this way. I've been in worse places. You ever been to Cleveland?"</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >I shuddered, he laughed.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"It's time now," he said.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Are you coming back again?"</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"No. One trip is all we get. Besides after all you told me, coming back would only mess with my head again. It's not worth it."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Dad? Once I got over the shock, it was good to see you again."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"It was good to see you too, Son."</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >We shook hands, then he stepped back and waved good-bye. As I returned the wave, he slowly faded from view. "See you soon, Steve," he said, and then he was gone.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Okay, Dad. Bye. I--</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Wait.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Stop.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Come back.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"What do you mean you'll see me soon? How soon?</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Do you know something I don’t know?</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Dad?</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Get back here.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >"Dad?"</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" > </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:";font-size:12pt;" > </span></p>Haggis Chihuahuahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17726140053770024770noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532516427625905373.post-49815804720800486812011-03-01T07:13:00.000-08:002011-03-01T07:51:03.596-08:00Clean Garbage<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" 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10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal">I've always been an admirer of women. No, it's not just because they have breasts. That would make me a sexist at best and a misogynist at worst. So my admiration is about way more than that. It's about way more than those soft, conical, perky protuberances that drive men wild. Way more. Way...um....</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Where was I?</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Oh, yeah.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">It's not about breasts, and I am not a misogynist. I believe men and women are equal. In fact, I'm convinced that in many ways women are superior. Take the art of logic, for example. Women are logical in ways men can't possibly comprehend. I first learned this from my mother when I was just a young'n. </p> <p class="MsoNormal">My mother worked full time midnights as a nurse, and of course in those days husbands did little to no housework, so my father was no help to her when she became ill. It was necessary, they decided, to hire a woman to help my mother with laundry, ironing and some general housecleaning. </p> <p class="MsoNormal">The day arrived and I awoke to see my sickly mother furiously racing through the house cleaning everything in sight. The cleaning lady wasn't due for a couple of hours. "Mom," I said, "What are you doing? The cleaning lady's gonna be here soon."</p> <p class="MsoNormal">"I don't want her to think we're not a clean family," she said.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Well, I couldn't wrap my head around that one. Neither could my father, apparently. The cleaning lady didn't last out the week.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">My ex taught me an important logic lesson too. One day I noticed she washed the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. Sensing redundancy, I jumped all over that.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">"Why are you washing dishes before you wash them?" I asked her.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">"You've got to clean the crud off before you put them in the dishwasher," she said.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">It took a while for my mind to form the rebuttal. "Why do they call it a dishwasher rather than a dish rinser, then?"</p> <p class="MsoNormal">"Take out the garbage," she said.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Which brings me to the purpose of today's post.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">I first got an inkling about female logic, at least as it related to garbage, from my oldest daughter. I'd been invited over to dinner at her very first apartment. After the meal I decided I'd be a nice guy and help her clean up the table. I grabbed the dirty napkins, opened the cupboard under the sink, located the trash container and tossed the napkins inside.<span style=""> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal">"Not in the clean garbage!" my daughter shrieked. </p> <p class="MsoNormal">"Clean garbage?" I asked.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> "Yes. I just put on a new trash bag. I want it to stay clean," she said.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> "Oh. Then...then where do I put the garbage?"</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> "In the dirty garbage."</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> "Wait. Are you telling me you keep two garbages? </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> "Of course." </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> "What? You mean you keep one just for display?"</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"> "Take the dirty garbage outside, Dad."<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;" align="center">#</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style=""></span>I've learned more about female garbage logic from my girlfriend, Hunny. Our first ever argument was about the garbage disposal. I had the water running, the disposal turned on and I was scraping leftover food from the dinner plates into the swirling water.<span style=""> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal">"What do you think you're doing?" she said.<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">"Um...cleaning off the dishes before I put them into the automatic dish rinser."<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">"No! Don't do that. The food will get caught in the disposal."<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">"Dear, it's called a garbage disposal. You're supposed to scrape food into it."<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">"No, no, no, no," she said, clearly frustrated with me. "Just put the dishes on the counter. I'll take care of them later."<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Well, I never have to be told to <i style="">not</i> do something twice, so I set the plates down, popped a cold one and plopped myself in front of the TV where either the Lions or the Pistons--I don't remember which--were losing yet again. You see, I've learned that sometimes it's best we don't try to understand. Sometimes it's best to just go with the flow.<span style=""> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Much time has passed since that day, but in all the time I've known her, Hunny only used the disposal once. Even then all she was doing was cleaning the unit with baking soda and water, although why she needed to clean something she'd never used was beyond me.<span style=""> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Things got worse when we finally got into the real garbage issues. We'd had KFC for dinner and afterward I dumped all the bones into the bucket, popped on the lid and dumped it all into the trash.<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">"Don't do that," Hunny said. "It'll stink."<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">"Not for a few days," I said. "And besides, it's supposed to stink. That's why they call it garbage."<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">"Not in this house," she said. She pulled the container from the garbage and put it in the refrigerator. "It won't stink in there."</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Call me silly, but it didn't seem right to me that we should keep our garbage in the refrigerator. Refrigerators were meant to be a cold storage place for beer. I thought everybody knew that. But as time went by I noticed other strange things happening. For example I found a Glad Bag full of banana peels, an empty tuna fish can and three French fries, probably leftovers from some grandspawn's Happy Meal.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">I picked up the bag. "Why?" I cried plaintively, thrusting the bag accusingly toward her.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">"Why?"</p> <p class="MsoNormal">"Put the garbage back in the refrigerator where it belongs," she said. </p> <p class="MsoNormal">It was time for me to give up the ghost. So now I've bought into the concepts myself. Women's logic has prevailed. </p> <p class="MsoNormal">There's only one thing about female logic that troubles me at the moment--the fact that Hunny just cleaned the toilet. What that means is that I'm not allowed to use it. She's already nixed my using either the kitchen sink or the bathtub. And, you know, a guy can only keep his legs crossed for so long. 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unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Book Title"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="37" name="Bibliography"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" qformat="true" name="TOC Heading"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal">I hate the little SOB, but I'm not going to go on and on like I normally do. Instead, I'll write one groundhog haiku, then shovel off my porch and sit there with my 12 gauge, waiting for another one of those little bastard groundhogs to show his face. If you want to play along, post your own groundhog haiku in the comment section. Or, if you'd prefer, a limerick would be just ducky too.</p><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> <w:lidthemeother>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:lidthemeasian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:lidthemecomplexscript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> <w:splitpgbreakandparamark/> <w:dontvertaligncellwithsp/> <w:dontbreakconstrainedforcedtables/> <w:dontvertalignintxbx/> <w:word11kerningpairs/> <w:cachedcolbalance/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathpr> <m:mathfont val="Cambria Math"> <m:brkbin 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mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal">Okay, let's see yours.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Go for it.</p>Haggis Chihuahuahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17726140053770024770noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532516427625905373.post-85343051632093880072011-01-24T04:31:00.000-08:002011-01-24T06:52:16.113-08:00On an Old Dead Writer<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_v9N40Ew6dGc/TT1x585kL-I/AAAAAAAAAUo/GWN6IGZ1LhI/s1600/twain.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 146px; height: 200px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_v9N40Ew6dGc/TT1x585kL-I/AAAAAAAAAUo/GWN6IGZ1LhI/s200/twain.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5565729954913857506" border="0" /></a><br /><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> 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mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--><---<span style=";font-family:";font-size:12pt;" > See the picture of that fellow over there? That's who I'm going to write about today. No, I'm not going to rant about the controversy--you know, about that English professor who just published a version of <u>Huck Finn</u> free of all those nasty, demeaning words the original author believed were important enough to include in the story. I'm not going to address the question of whether "Native American Joe," "First Settler Joe" or "First Peoples Joe" are more appropriate than "Injun Joe." I'm not going to argue that folks used the term "half-breed" and not the term "half-blood" back in the day when the story took place. And I'm not going to argue that gutting the word "nigger" from the story and expecting it to read true makes about as much sense as castrating a bull and then telling it to go inseminate a cow. I'm not going to do or say any of that because, you know, this guy's a kolledge perfesser and I'm not.<br /><br /></span><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--><span style=";font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >What I am going to do is write about something that happened to me the other day.<br /><br /></span><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if !mso]><object classid="clsid:38481807-CA0E-42D2-BF39-B33AF135CC4D" id="ieooui"></object> <style> st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } </style> <![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--><span style=";font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >Last Monday, I think it was, I took a book with me to lunch, as is my wont. Now, this book is a special book to me. It is the <u>Autobiography of Mark Twain (volume 1) </u>which was just published this year, one hundred years after Twain's death, as specified in his will. This is a big honker of a book, at about 800 pages, and weighing in at more than two or three Chihuahuas. I love Twain and I've been waiting for this book for some time. The young waitress who was assigned to my table asked me what I was reading, I closed the book and showed her the cover. The title of the book was plainly indicated there: <u>Autobiography of Mark Twain (volume 1)</u>, and a large picture of him graced the front cover. She looked at it for a minute, glanced at me quizzically, then said, "Didn't he write books or something?"<br /><br /></span><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--><span style=";font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >I stared at her for a moment, unsure of what to say. Eventually I muttered, "A couple."<br /><br /></span><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--><span style=";font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >She went back to her other tables. I wept.<br /><br /></span><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--><span style=";font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >And I weep for the future. Please tell me your kids, grandkids or nieces and nephews would recognize a picture of Mark Twain and know who he was. And if they are yet too young, please tell me you'll read to them his stories AS WRITTEN, and promise me you'll use the uncomfortable parts as teachable moments. 'Cause that's why Sam Clemons put them there.<br /><br /></span><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--><span style=";font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >Please.</span><br /><br /><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--><span style=";font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >Thank you.</span><br /><span style=";font-family:";font-size:12pt;" > </span> <span style=";font-family:";font-size:12pt;" > </span>Haggis Chihuahuahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17726140053770024770noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532516427625905373.post-14623962093911572352011-01-01T06:48:00.000-08:002011-01-01T07:18:00.160-08:00Beating the Reaper<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_v9N40Ew6dGc/TR9D4qpEzXI/AAAAAAAAAUg/GJgjzcQNeEw/s1600/grimreaper.gif"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 154px; height: 200px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_v9N40Ew6dGc/TR9D4qpEzXI/AAAAAAAAAUg/GJgjzcQNeEw/s200/grimreaper.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5557235105996787058" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--> </p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:Verdana;font-size:12pt;" >Happy New Year! Welcome to 2011. It seems just like yesterday it was 2010. How time flies.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:Verdana;font-size:12pt;" >Another year has come and gone, and I've managed to cheat the Grim Reaper yet again. This gives me great pleasure even though, as the poet Thoma</span><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:Verdana;font-size:12pt;" >s Lynch says:</span></p><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:Verdana;font-size:12pt;" ><i></i></span><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--><i> </i></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:Verdana;font-size:12pt;" ><i>Something's going to get you in the end.</i></span><span style=";font-family:Verdana;font-size:12pt;" ><i> </i></span></p><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:Verdana;font-size:12pt;" ><i>The numbers are fairly convincing on this,<br /></i></span><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:Verdana;font-size:12pt;" ><i>hovering, as they do, around a hundred<br /></i></span><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:Verdana;font-size:12pt;" ><i>percent.*</i></span><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:Verdana;font-size:12pt;" ><i><br /></i></span><i style=""></i><br /><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:Verdana;font-size:12pt;" >I know it will happen eventually, but in the meantime, I'll do what I can to stave off death for as long as possible. Which brings me to today's sermon: </span><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--><i><i style=""><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:Verdana;font-size:12pt;" >How to Keep Death at Bay</span></i></i>.<span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:Verdana;font-size:12pt;" ><br /><br />If you read obituaries as religiously, as I do, you already know you'd be hard pressed to find a decedent who didn't <i style="">pass, pass on </i>or<i style=""> pass away</i> "surrounded by his (her) loving family." In fact, this happens so often I'm convinced there must be a causal relationship between the two. Therefore, it seems pretty obvious to me that if you are an old and/or sick person, the last thing you'd want is a roomful of relatives surrounding your bed like Indians circling a wagon train or vultures circling a corpse. So you've got to take steps to avoid putting yourself in that situation.</span><p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--> </p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:Verdana;font-size:12pt;" >When you're deathly ill and you figure your days might be winding down, the thing to do is avoid your relatives at all costs, and whatever you do, don't tell them about your illness. Even if it slips out accidentally, before you know it, Uncle Ted, Cousin May and Bob, the brother-in-law you could never stand will invade your bedroom and begin the death watch.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:Verdana;font-size:12pt;" >At this point, it's important to note that on occasion some people die, not surrounded by family members, but rather with their family members "by their side," although this is rare. Sadly, statistics do not tell us whether it is the left or the right side. Regardless, it is easily dealt with. If your relatives must be in the sickroom, make sure they stand together either at the head or at the foot of your bed. Not at the right side. Not at the left side. And for Dog's sake, never, ever let them begin circling.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:Verdana;font-size:12pt;" >So there you have it. My first post of 2011 has probably tacked on another ten years to your life.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:Verdana;font-size:12pt;" >No, don't thank me. It's the least I can do.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--><span style="line-height: 115%;font-family:Verdana;font-size:12pt;" >*from the title poem in Lynch's <u>Walking Papers</u>, W.W. Norton & Company, 2010</span></p>Haggis Chihuahuahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17726140053770024770noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532516427625905373.post-88731406488247075362010-12-20T05:51:00.000-08:002010-12-20T06:09:31.551-08:00Three things that are funny, but not laugh out loud funny<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_v9N40Ew6dGc/TQ9iPx1559I/AAAAAAAAAUM/_2Bdy7uDtRE/s1600/hyena-laughing.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 250px; height: 211px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_v9N40Ew6dGc/TQ9iPx1559I/AAAAAAAAAUM/_2Bdy7uDtRE/s320/hyena-laughing.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5552764888788101074" border="0" /></a><br /><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> 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A year ago I wrote in this blog about my girlfriend's grandson and his first year of T-ball. This past summer, her granddaughter signed up too. 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A righty, she gripped the bat cross handed, hands spaced apart like Ty Cobb.<span style=""> </span>That made me wonder what humor I might have found in attending one of her games. But in any event, what I enjoyed most was the flip side of the card--the statistics side. 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I'll tell you what else is funny. 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Back in the day, we could count on a lag time--a float, if you will--between the time we mailed out our check and the time the check finally cleared our bank. That doesn't happen any more. So like a good little consumer, I decided I'd do what everybody else does--pay online. What I didn't know is that my bill would also come online. 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mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal">The email address I gave them is one I've had since Al Gore invented the Internet. Yes, I do get about four hundred spam messages every day. So it was altogether too easy for me to delete my energy bills along with the emails that promised me a larger penis with more volume in my ejaculations, bigger breasts or a small fortune in Nigeria. 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font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal">"This is not a problem," I said to them. 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mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal">Well, it seems that they could only do one or the other. In other words, I couldn't pay the bills on line unless I received the bills on line. So I caved. 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I reviewed it and checked the box that said "pay now." It asked me for my password. Now, all this crap had taken several months so there was no way I remembered my password. I clicked the box that said "if you don’t' remember your password click this box." It emailed me the standard security question: "What was the name of your first turtle?" I entered the proper answer "Snorkel" and waited for them to send me my password. 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Maybe they sent it to that address where I get 400 spam email messages every day. I dunno. But then I got to thinking--why does DTE Energy care so much about protecting my password? Are they afraid somebody's going to hack into my account and pay my bill?</p><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> <w:lidthemeother>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:lidthemeasian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:lidthemecomplexscript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> <w:splitpgbreakandparamark/> <w:dontvertaligncellwithsp/> <w:dontbreakconstrainedforcedtables/> <w:dontvertalignintxbx/> <w:word11kerningpairs/> <w:cachedcolbalance/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathpr> <m:mathfont val="Cambria Math"> <m:brkbin val="before"> <m:brkbinsub val="--"> <m:smallfrac val="off"> <m:dispdef/> <m:lmargin val="0"> <m:rmargin val="0"> <m:defjc val="centerGroup"> <m:wrapindent val="1440"> <m:intlim val="subSup"> <m:narylim val="undOvr"> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" defunhidewhenused="true" defsemihidden="true" defqformat="false" defpriority="99" latentstylecount="267"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="0" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Normal"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="heading 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="9" qformat="true" name="heading 5"> 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unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Title"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="1" name="Default Paragraph Font"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="11" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Subtitle"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="22" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Strong"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="20" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Emphasis"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="59" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Table Grid"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Placeholder Text"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="1" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="No Spacing"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List"> 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semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium 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priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="60" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Shading Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="61" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light List Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="62" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Light Grid Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="63" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="64" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="65" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="66" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="67" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="19" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Subtle Emphasis"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="21" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Intense Emphasis"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="31" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Subtle Reference"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="32" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Intense Reference"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="33" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Book Title"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="37" name="Bibliography"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" qformat="true" name="TOC Heading"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal">And then I thought, <i>that's funny too.</i></p><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> <w:lidthemeother>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:lidthemeasian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:lidthemecomplexscript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> 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<w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="31" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Subtle Reference"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="32" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Intense Reference"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="33" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Book Title"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="37" name="Bibliography"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" qformat="true" name="TOC Heading"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style="">Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and for all you atheists out there, Happy Nothing!</b></p>Haggis Chihuahuahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17726140053770024770noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8532516427625905373.post-76096363090157626402010-10-22T15:46:00.001-07:002010-10-22T16:17:16.299-07:00On Death and Dying and Obituaries<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_v9N40Ew6dGc/TMIUfXSXJHI/AAAAAAAAATc/VqiqQFohEa0/s1600/obit.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 226px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_v9N40Ew6dGc/TMIUfXSXJHI/AAAAAAAAATc/VqiqQFohEa0/s320/obit.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5531005821423920242" border="0" /></a><br />Why do some people pass away while others go home to be with the Lord?<br /><br />Why do the angels come to take some to Heaven while others have to find their own way?<br /><br />Why does everyone who dies of cancer have to have a courageous battle first? Aren't there any cancer sufferers who give up right away?<br /><br />Why are those who died all loving parents, children, spouses, aunts uncles or friends? Surely there must be some SOBs among the dead.<br /><br />Just once I'd like to read an obituary that starts out "Eighty-four year old Avery Bedsore died today after a cowardly surrender to cancer. He had no friends and his family had written him off years ago. He was last seen hitchhiking to Heaven, since the angels couldn't be bothered to show him the way...."<br /><br />Why do dead people "repose?" Can't they simply lie there like everybody else?<br /><br />And while we're on the subject of death, why do they call them "coffins" or "caskets" when what they are is boxes?<br /><br />Why did no one shoot the person who came up with the word "cremains" for what's left over after the crematorium grinds up the ashes and bone bits?<br /><br />Why do they have "visitations" and not "visits" and how the hell can you visit with a dead person anyhow? How many living people did you ever visit while they were lying in a box with the top door open, the bottom door closed and their head propped up on a satin pillow?<br /><br />And speaking of visitations, how can they wire a dead guy's jaw shut then shove little caps under his eyelids to keep his eyes closed, pump all the blood from his body and replace it with noxious chemicals, smear make up on his face and hands and then claim it's all done to make him look natural?<br /><br />I worry about stuff like this.Haggis Chihuahuahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17726140053770024770noreply@blogger.com11