Dear Haggis,
I love how you've managed to cover a variety of topics in your blog, from personal observations to politics, while still managing to throw in a horror story or two along the way. You are obviously an extremely brilliant individual. Your parents must be proud of you.
Sincerely,
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
No doubt.
Thanks, Mom.
Haggis
Dear Haggis,
Why don't you blog more often?
Sincerely,
A follower
Dear Follower,
Why don't you stop in less frequently? We'd accomplish the same thing.
Best,
Haggis
Dear Haggis,
It's been a year since you've updated your short story sales listing. Can't you tell us where to look for your new publications?
Sincerely,
Curious
Dear Curious,
You haven't seen any new publication updates because everything's been rejected this year, you hateful bastige. Now go pick on MisterBastard and leave me alone.
Best,
Haggis
Deer Hagiss,
I rely lik puppehs and I watn a Chihooa just lik yuo. Woud you come live with me? Im eigth years old.
Luv,
Missy
Dear Missy,
Do your parents have lots of money? I hope so, because you seriously need a remedial course in spelling. I've had ringworms that can spell better than you.
Best,
Haggis
That 's it for today, folks. Keep those cards and letters coming in.
Well, I guess it qualifies as a new blog post. But rather lame.
ReplyDeleteMaryMumsy
Sympathy on the rejections. Join the crowds.
ReplyDeleteWow Dude. I don't appreciate the snarky answer to my letter. Expect a flaming bag oF CAT poop on our porch.
ReplyDeleteDear Haggis,
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say I agree with everything everyone has said about you...ever. I'd send you a letter too but instead of wasting my time if you would just reread the others and think of me.
Let me know when you get the cat poop flambé take-out and share with me how it was. I know what a connoisseur you are.
I find you to be very witty. If you ever want to do a column let me know, the roof over my porch needs support. You can be witty as I come and go.
Say hi to your mom for me, she sounds like really sweet lady. It's nice that she is able to sound so truthful.
I hope all is well with you and you find time to take up the pen, since the computer seems to give you so much difficulty.
Don't be a stranger, because if you hang around people you don't know they will surely lock you up.
Take care,
JJ
:)
MM, you're a tough crowd. Didn't you even smile a little at the "ringworm" line?
ReplyDeleteNo?
Crap.
Okay. I'll do better next time. :)
Thanks for the sympathies, Kay. It's a good thing most of us aren't that thin-skinned.
ReplyDeleteBettielee,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the cat poop.
MM's ringworm still spells better than you do. :P
Blurves,
Haggis
JJ,
ReplyDeleteI can always count on you for support, not unlike a solidly built jockstrap. You never disappoint.
Thanks.
Haggis. :P
Dear Haggis,
ReplyDeleteDie.
Die!
Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!
With subdued affection,
Anonymous
Haggis,
ReplyDeleteI certainly wouldn't want to be your disappointing jockstrap. I hold you too highly, and I wouldn't want to dangle your participles. :P
Mr. B,
Could you please clarify what it is you want so the rest of us can more easily understand?
JJ
Dear Haggis,
ReplyDeleteBoy, have I got a lot to say to you and none of it is good. First of all, what the fu---oh, shiny!
Ferret
MisterB,
ReplyDeletePatience, Grasshopper. Give the poison time to work.
Haggis
Mr. JJ,
ReplyDeleteMy dangling participles and I appreciate the good thoughts, and my infinitives are pleased you have no intention of splitting them.
Haggis
Dear Ferret,
ReplyDeleteYou can take your stupid comments and sh...Oh, look. Another shiny.
Haggis
If you stop submitting, I promise the rejections will also stop.
ReplyDeleteProbably.
:)
Dear Frank,
ReplyDeleteIt's obvious you've never met my girlfriend.
H