Friday, June 25, 2010

Another Reason to Hate Ohio

Michigan and Ohio don't like each other very much. The root cause of this is, I believe, the petty jealousy Ohioans have of Michiganders because of our natural superiority. But there are other causes too, and a long history behind the hate.

Back in 1835, Ohio got all uppity because they'd been made a state (something that was still a year away for Michigan) and decided they'd try
to steal some of Michigan's territory. At the time, Michigan's borders included the town of Toledo, a port on Lake Erie, and that's what those vile Buckeyes wanted. Insults were exchanged and troops rode hither and yon, and both Michigan and Ohio came very close to thinking about the possibility of perhaps, maybe, shedding some blood sooner or later. But through some kind of chicanery, Ohio convinced President Jackson to cede the strip of land to Ohio. In exchange, Michigan received a whole bunch of land in the Upper Peninsula--land Jackson stole from Wisconsin. It turned out to be an equitable trade off for Michigan, in that we got Mackinac Island, Lake Superior and Yoopers, and nobody really wanted Toledo anyhow. Still, the animosity between the two states continued, and in fact, got worse.

Unless your cave doesn't have cable, you should at least be marginally aware that the University of Michigan and Ohio State University plan a football game against each other every year, and that it's the longest running college rivalry in the nation. Yep, kids, back in 1897, Michigan beat Ohio State thirty-four to zip, and OSU's been trying to get back at us ever since.

Which brings us to today.

I was idly flipping through my copy of Ohio Fireworks Laws (What? I don't make fun of your hobbies, do I?) and came upon this interesting tidbit:

Sparklers, trick noisemakers & novelties are exempt under Ohio Law. Other consumer fireworks may be sold to Ohio residents upon execution of a form agreeing to take the items out of the state within 48 hours, or to out-of state residents upon execution of a form agreeing to take the items out of the state within 72 hours.

Do you see what's going on here? Do you? Ohio has no problem at all if their folks and other states' folks buy explosives. You just can't use them in Ohio. You have to use them out of state. And what's the closest state? Michigan.

Dude, they're trying to blow up my people.

So I think it's time to revive the Toledo Wars. I say we all tromp on down to Ohio, buy a bunch of shells, rockets and repeaters, toss in a few missiles and some roman candles, sign their stupid papers, then sneak back under cover of darkness on July 4th and attack Toledo.

I'd be there with you, but my asthma's been acting up, and, you know, I don't want to slow you down.

So go for it. Make me proud. Do it for the Chihuahua. And if you happen to see some guy wearing a red vest who happens to look like an OSU football coach, why not lock him away for, say, 50 years or so? That's the best way I can think of to honor your state.

Go Blue!


And when we're done with the killing, let's all head over to MacAllister Stone's house for a 4th of July picnic. Make sure to bring any extra fireworks. And if you happen to find a couple of cases of quality beer in your car, bring those too.

Have a fun and safe Independence Day.

Happy Birthday, America!


  1. *stocks up on C-4*

    *plots course to Ohio*

  2. Or you could lay a long fuse that reaches to all of their fireworks stands. I think you could light it even during a full blown asthma attack if you wanted. If you light it in Michigan then you've not violated the Ohio laws. Check the books; it might be legal to blow up Ohio as long as the debris doesn't land on Michigan.

    And don't forget, Pennsylvanians have little love for Ohioans, though I've never researched the reason. Likely it has to do with that puny sliver of lake Erie beach they left us with. I suppose we should really be grateful. If the state line had been pushed over enough to give PA more of Lake Erie then we might have wound up with Youngstown. Dawg, who wants that...

    But I must say, as a kid it was a good place to go get drunk, raise a little hell and split before the cops arrived. A state line can be a wonderful thing. :)

  3. Angie! Who's my favorite zebra?

    Don't forget the plastic explosives. They're always my favorite.

  4. Hi, Jay.

    Yeah, Pensyltuckyians can't stand Ohio either. Maybe we can work together and squeeze them out. Indiana won't help. They're too busy being Hoosiers, whatever that is.

    So you're from Erie? I grew up not too far away on the eastern end of the lake--Buffalo. For what it's worth, New Yorkers don't hate Ohioans, but they would if they knew any.

  5. Ohio looks like a pair of men's underwear.

  6. Lived in Erie, lived in Pittsburgh, born in Brookville. Some where in there I got married, moved to VA, life went to hell. Well, you know.

    Yeah I know Buffalo. I lived in Niagara, 75-76. It was sort of hard to stay put.

    You know, if we open up the falls full on it's going to flow right over Ohio. Of course, the fireworks won't work any more. I hope you weren't dead set on blowing them up.

  7. Bettie, Ohio is a pair of men's underwear.

  8. Yeah, Jay, it is hard to stay put in Niagara Falls. Damn current keeps pushing you downstream.
    But I've got to hold firm on the bombing thingy. I've promised too many people explosions, and you know how disappointed folks get when stuff doesn't go boom.

  9. Could you blow up New Jersey while you are at it?

  10. Jersey? Why? Aren't they always blowing up each other there?

  11. I just thought we could expedite the process. And it might be fun. I'll bring lawn chairs, You get the Scotch (you have better taste) and we'll make an evening of it.

    If we do this right then PA can gain an Atlantic beach front. If we screw it up we could loses Philly but I'll get over it.

  12. ...and while Michigan and Ohio prepare for war, Wisconsin quietly reclaims the U.P., stolen by those blaggards in Michigan. :D

    And I didn't know there was a football rivalry between Michigan and Ohio.

  13. Jay, I'm sorry, but I can't risk losing Philadelphia. I love Philadelphia. Now, I wouldn't mind so much losing Philadelphians...

  14. Ferret, your people don't speak Yooper. You wouldn't know what to do with the UP if it landed in your lap. And what do you mean, you didn't know about the Michigan OSU rivalry? Is there no TV, radio or are there no newspapers in Wisconsin?
    *whistles a verse of Hail to the Victors*

  15. LMAO! I have a cousin in Ohio. Me thinks I shall pass this on. Now I just gotta pick a side to fight on... who am I kidding. Hand me the ammo, Puppy!

  16. Welcome to the militia, Rusty. I figure we'll destroy Toledo, then come back here for a Zingerman's sandwich, then pop over to Dominick's for a beer. Sound good?

  17. LOLove this!!

    Spew-worthy here: Dude, they're trying to blow up my people. Real Patriots would meet in Dundee!



  18. Dundee for sure. Two other columns will form too--one in Morenci and one in Temperance. The poor SOBs won't know what hit 'em. :D