Three things that are funny, but not laugh out loud funny

1. A year ago I wrote in this blog about my girlfriend's grandson and his first year of T-ball. This past summer, her granddaughter signed up too. Unlike last year, I managed to avoid going to any games this year, but GF shared her granddaughter's first T-ball baseball card with me anyhow.

Like most cards, it featured a picture of the player on the front in full T-ball regalia. A righty, she gripped the bat cross handed, hands spaced apart like Ty Cobb. That made me wonder what humor I might have found in attending one of her games. But in any event, what I enjoyed most was the flip side of the card--the statistics side. It read, in part:

Age: 4

Height: 3 feet

Weight: 30 pounds

Team: Giants

Now, that's funny. Perhaps not laugh out loud funny, but funny nevertheless.

B. I'll tell you what else is funny. DTE Energy, formerly known as Detroit Edison is funny.

Like most old farts, I used to pay my utility bills with a check. Back in the day, we could count on a lag time--a float, if you will--between the time we mailed out our check and the time the check finally cleared our bank. That doesn't happen any more. So like a good little consumer, I decided I'd do what everybody else does--pay online. What I didn't know is that my bill would also come online. They never bothered to tell me that.

The email address I gave them is one I've had since Al Gore invented the Internet. Yes, I do get about four hundred spam messages every day. So it was altogether too easy for me to delete my energy bills along with the emails that promised me a larger penis with more volume in my ejaculations, bigger breasts or a small fortune in Nigeria. Ultimately, that resulted in my missing two months of payments, a circumstance that DTE Energy did not find amusing.

"This is not a problem," I said to them. "Change the email addy to my gmail account and send me the hard copy bills too.”

Well, it seems that they could only do one or the other. In other words, I couldn't pay the bills on line unless I received the bills on line. So I caved. I let them do both via gmail.

Finally I got my first DTE bill on gmail. I reviewed it and checked the box that said "pay now." It asked me for my password. Now, all this crap had taken several months so there was no way I remembered my password. I clicked the box that said "if you don’t' remember your password click this box." It emailed me the standard security question: "What was the name of your first turtle?" I entered the proper answer "Snorkel" and waited for them to send me my password. They never did.

Or maybe they did. Maybe they sent it to that address where I get 400 spam email messages every day. I dunno. But then I got to thinking--why does DTE Energy care so much about protecting my password? Are they afraid somebody's going to hack into my account and pay my bill?

And then I thought, that's funny too.

III. MisterBastard. Not laugh out loud funny, but funny enough to laugh at.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and for all you atheists out there, Happy Nothing!

On Death and Dying and Obituaries

Why do some people pass away while others go home to be with the Lord?

Why do the angels come to take some to Heaven while others have to find their own way?

Why does everyone who dies of cancer have to have a courageous battle first? Aren't there any cancer sufferers who give up right away?

Why are those who died all loving parents, children, spouses, aunts uncles or friends? Surely there must be some SOBs among the dead.

Just once I'd like to read an obituary that starts out "Eighty-four year old Avery Bedsore died today after a cowardly surrender to cancer. He had no friends and his family had written him off years ago. He was last seen hitchhiking to Heaven, since the angels couldn't be bothered to show him the way...."

Why do dead people "repose?" Can't they simply lie there like everybody else?

And while we're on the subject of death, why do they call them "coffins" or "caskets" when what they are is boxes?

Why did no one shoot the person who came up with the word "cremains" for what's left over after the crematorium grinds up the ashes and bone bits?

Why do they have "visitations" and not "visits" and how the hell can you visit with a dead person anyhow? How many living people did you ever visit while they were lying in a box with the top door open, the bottom door closed and their head propped up on a satin pillow?

And speaking of visitations, how can they wire a dead guy's jaw shut then shove little caps under his eyelids to keep his eyes closed, pump all the blood from his body and replace it with noxious chemicals, smear make up on his face and hands and then claim it's all done to make him look natural?

I worry about stuff like this.

Don't blame me

Blame that Barb Person. She made me do it.

Playing with Memes.

My good friend Bea Sempere has slapped me upside the head with a meme. What's a meme, you ask? Well, I'm here to tell you. I don't know. So I looked it up:

According to Wiki, a meme is a unit of cultural ideas, symbols or practices, which can be transmitted from one mind to another through writing, speech, gestures, rituals or other imitable phenomena. So what does that have to do with the questions below? I haven't a clue, but Bea asked 'em so I'll answer 'em, then pass this thing along to someone else who'll be stuck with it.

1. If you could have any superpower, what would you have? Why?

Back when I was a puppy, George Reeves played Superman on TV. And every time I walked by the girls' locker room at school, I envied him for one of his superpowers--the ability to see through walls.

Still do.

Why? Why do you think?

2. Who is your style icon?

If, by style, you mean fashion, then clearly I'd have to admit to admiring Homer Simpson. Otis the drunk from the Andy Griffith show comes in a close second.

If you're talking instead about writing style, then I'd probably have to opt for one of my two favorite horror writers--Robert McCammon or Jack Ketchum. I don't write like either of them--I don't even try to, but wish I could.

I wonder who I do write like.

3. What is your favorite quote?

"Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee and I'll forgive Thy great big one on me." ~Robert Frost.

This one's getting reprinted onto the keychains that'll be passed out at my memorial service. If you want one, put your name on the list.

Oh, and MisterBastard? If you plan on raising your leg in the vicinity of my grave, you better plan on showing up early. From what I understand, there'll be a pretty long lineup with the same plans as you.

4. What is the best compliment you’ve ever received?

When I was in grade school, one of my teachers kept trying to catch me not paying attention in class. What I'd do was stare out the window and daydream. One day she said to me, "I know you're not paying attention, but somehow you hear the last few words I say, figure out what question I was asking and come up with the answer. I don't know how you do it, but I'll catch you sooner or later." She never did. And I still daydream.

5. What playlist/CD is in your CD Player/iPod right now?

Brother Ray. I forget which album. It doesn't matter. They were all great.

6. Are you a night owl or a morning person?

I'm in bed before some people even begin thinking about dinner. Then again, I'm old, so what did you expect?

7. Do you prefer dogs or cats?

What kind of question is this? There is no choice here, people. Cats are vile, filthy, evil creatures. Dogs are kind and loving. Besides, I'm not allergic to dogs.

8. What is the meaning behind your blog name?

The title of my blog, What do you mean, I should start a blog? should be pretty self-evident. I had bunches of people on my case telling me "start a blog, start a blog, start a blog." But I didn't want to. Obviously, they eventually convinced me and WDYMISSAB is what resulted. Blame them, not me.

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Okay, now I get to pass this on to a few others for their amusement. I think I'm gonna stick with Horror Hounds this time:

The Sicko

The Skwirrel

The Sheep