Friday, October 22, 2010

On Death and Dying and Obituaries

Why do some people pass away while others go home to be with the Lord?

Why do the angels come to take some to Heaven while others have to find their own way?

Why does everyone who dies of cancer have to have a courageous battle first? Aren't there any cancer sufferers who give up right away?

Why are those who died all loving parents, children, spouses, aunts uncles or friends? Surely there must be some SOBs among the dead.

Just once I'd like to read an obituary that starts out "Eighty-four year old Avery Bedsore died today after a cowardly surrender to cancer. He had no friends and his family had written him off years ago. He was last seen hitchhiking to Heaven, since the angels couldn't be bothered to show him the way...."

Why do dead people "repose?" Can't they simply lie there like everybody else?

And while we're on the subject of death, why do they call them "coffins" or "caskets" when what they are is boxes?

Why did no one shoot the person who came up with the word "cremains" for what's left over after the crematorium grinds up the ashes and bone bits?

Why do they have "visitations" and not "visits" and how the hell can you visit with a dead person anyhow? How many living people did you ever visit while they were lying in a box with the top door open, the bottom door closed and their head propped up on a satin pillow?

And speaking of visitations, how can they wire a dead guy's jaw shut then shove little caps under his eyelids to keep his eyes closed, pump all the blood from his body and replace it with noxious chemicals, smear make up on his face and hands and then claim it's all done to make him look natural?

I worry about stuff like this.


  1. When you're older, you'll worry about finding someone you know in the obits.

  2. I read the obits every day, Kay. It's how I figure out whether it's a good day or a bad day. If most of the people who died were older than me, it's a good day. If it's the other way around, it's a bad day. The older I get, the more bad days I'm seeing.

  3. I'm with George Burns. He used to say that he read the obits every morning. If he didn't see his name, he got dressed.

    Mine will read something like: MaryMumsy died at the age of 103, mostly from being a cranky old bitch. There will be no service, she was a heathen. If you want to celebrate her demise, head for your favorite saloon and hoist an adult beverage.


  4. One thing's for sure, Haggis. You won't be seen hitchhiking for heaven.

  5. I hear ya, Haggis. I hear about more and more young people dying. I'm not so sure we can even say it's a cruel world--it's more like we're cruel.

    And I hope I won't have to hitchhike to heaven.

  6. MM, your obit sounds much like the one I hope gets posted for me. And 103 sounds like just the right age.

  7. Just 'cause I might not wind up there is no reason for me not to aim for it anyhow, MisterB.

  8. Bea, you won't have to hitchhike. I'll be sending MisterBastard along with a new set of wings for you.;)

  9. When we ran an ad - we always had it on the obit page. We knew that's what everyone read 1st. My parents friends are starting to "leave" us. My dad said he needs to find younger friends. :)

  10. Younger in dog years or people years?

  11. I read the obits. I never find the damn name I want to see. Just once I'd like to say 'There he is! FINALLY!!'