Thursday, August 29, 2013

Open letter to Former Senator Jim DeMint, the new President of the Heritage Foundation

Dear Senator Jim,
Hey, thanks for the emailed survey you sent me the other day. The one that said. "for Principled Conservatives only, because I gotta tell you, Jim, you won't find any Conservative more Principled than I am. See, I was one of the original Barry's Boys way back in the early 60s. I expect you might not know about that time because I'm older than you and it probably all went down long before your balls dropped. So let me fill you in on what most of my fellow Principled Conservatives and I believed in way back in the day.
Like Barry I believed in low taxes, fiscal responsibility, strong defense, the free market system and letting people enjoy their lives without government interference. That's, of course, before the religious right took over the Republican party (something Barry warned us about) and decided that small government meant that they had the right to camp out in people's bedrooms and see who was doing what to whom and send them to jail if it wasn't okay in Leviticus. Which may have run contrary to that "make no religion" crap in the Constitution, but everyone knows the Founders didn't really mean it.
You might not remember this, Jim, but gays weren't allowed to serve in the military for the longest time. Even so, that old "Principled Conservative" Barry Goldwater said, "I don't care if they are gay or straight, as long as they can shoot straight." Being a Brigadier General in the Air Force Reserve, he kind of had an idea of what the military should be like. But you know, those nasty liberals like Johnson, Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush, Clinton, Bush and Obama didn't agree with that. Thank Dawg that Obama's ever changing principles finally evolved to the point that he could agree with something Barry had said fifty years earlier. And thank Dawg today's Principled Conservatives agree with that point of view too. Right, Jim?
Okay, so while we're waiting for Jim to return let's take a look at the survey he sent me.

Let’s see now. Oh, here’s a good question.

Q. How do you think conservatives in Congress should approach their job?

A. Maybe they should do it for a change. And they can share that answer with their liberal friends across the aisle too. For the record, that job is not getting re-elected, nor is it being a power broker, nor is it graft, corruption or similar activities. Their job is serving and representing their constituents. Period. Full stop.

Here’s another.

Q. Which countries pose a threat to the United States? Iran, China, Russia, North Korea or Other?

A. All the above, including “other,” which in this case I’d say was the United States itself. As far as I know, none of the other countries are overflying us with drones, nor are their tax collection units targeting groups in this country who think The Wrong Way. I doubt that any of those listed countries would bother collecting information from some stupid blog like this one, but we already know that our country’s NSA does, don't we, Jim?

Plus you left Canada off your list of evil countries. You can never be too careful where Canada's concerned.

And this one.

Q. How serious do you consider the threat of Islamic terrorism in the world today?

A. About as seriously as I consider the threat of domestic terrorism. You know what I mean, Jim? Terrorism like The Oklahoma City bombing, the Unibomber, the Atlanta Olympics bombing, The Wisconsin Sikh Temple bombing, acts of hate groups like the KKK, Aryan Nation, Black Panthers, Eco-terrorists, people who kill physicians who perform abortions for Christ's sake--shall I go on?

Don’t get me wrong, Jim. I know all too well that there are people outside our country, many of them radical Islamists, who would just as soon see you and me dead. But I also know that the vast majority of the followers of Islam don’t give a rat’s ass about either you or me. All they want to do is live their lives in relative peace. They just want to be left the hell alone. They don’t want to be targeted. Like you’re trying to do to them by the nature of that last question.

And I love this one.

Q. Are the government’s intelligence agencies and the administration doing enough to protect us against terrorism?

A. Oh, hell no. Do you think collecting information on every American’s telephone calls, email, and Internet activities is enough? Do you think the drones you already have flying over US territory spying on its citizens is enough? Gitcher self a backbone, son. It's about time for you to send NSA agents into every classroom to pistol whip the little children until they turn in their parents for subversive activities.

Q. Who (do) you think should decide about controversial social questions like same-sex marriage and abortion?

A. Where've you been, Jim? That’s already been decided.


You know what, Jim? I've been thinking. Maybe I'm not the Principled Conservative you're looking for after all. Or maybe I am, and instead you're the problem. Yeah, I think that's it. I think I haven't changed a bit. Conservatism has. And your kind of Conservatism is not something I want to associate with anymore. So excuse me, but I'm going to go hang out with the Libertarians for awhile. I think they're mostly nuts and they think I'm mostly nuts, but at least we're honest with each other.


  1. I dint git this survey. I think the last one I answered put the NSA on high alert and soon they'll be on their way to give me a personal survey. It's wonderful that they can take time for the individual.

    I'm going to tell them that they named the NSA wrong. You see, the N stands for national, but that would include you and me and everybody. I think they should change it to a G for government and that way no one would be confused about where their actual interest lies.

    I'd like to thank you for posting the answers. If I get the survey I'll be back to copy them.

  2. Jay, I've already sent the black helicopters over with a copy of the survey for you.

    Of course the NSA already knows what your answers will be. It's been nice knowing you. But, you never know. We may get together again in Gitmo.

  3. Okay, I'll see you there. Do they have happy hour? You know I'm straight, right?

  4. Happy hour? Absolutely. That's the hour they're not beating you. And I wouldn't worry about being straight. Folks are born the way they're born, yanno? No shame in that.