Sunday, June 16, 2013

Chickens got bones

Today I went into town to do a little shopping (picking up my old fart drugs at the old fart store/AKA pharmacy) then used that as an excuse to head down to the local gin mill to pound a few. Two beers and four Words With Friends games later I sent Hunny a text asking her if she needed me to pick up anything for dinner.

“I’m fine,” she said. “I’ve already had a sammich. Go ahead and get something for yourself.”

I used that as an excuse to have one more beer while I thought about my dinner.

I didn’t feel like making anything, there was no bar food I wanted to take home and I never, ever get fast food. Well, hardly ever. I will admit that sometimes I have a craving for KFC. The chicken tastes okay even if it isn’t good for me, the taters are mostly edible and the biscuits are really good—especially with honey. Of course I no longer get the KFC honey because it’s not honey anymore. Rather, it’s something they call “Honey Sauce.” Honey Sauce is that packet of stuff they give you to put on your biscuits only if you ask for it. According to this guy, Honey Sauce is a full 7% honey with the rest mostly corn syrup, and you know what I think about corn syrup. I have no idea what the last few ingredients are. Maybe a secret blend of eleven herbs and spices. I dunno. But whatever’s in it, it doesn’t taste like honey, so I stopped getting it years ago. I always, always keep a stash of real honey just for these emergency occasions.

So I headed off to KFC, pleased with myself for my forethought and looking forward to a meal of legs, thighs and breasts. But when I got there I discovered that something had happened. KFC had changed their menu. They’d lost their bones.

I used to order chicken only, with a few biscuits and maybe a side of taters. But according to their new menu, I no longer had that option. What I had instead was a choice of various selections of boneless, skinless chicken—what Wendy’s Hamburgers used to call “parts is parts."

In fairness, they still offered a small selection of bone-in skin-on chicken but it was harder to find on the menu. It occurred to me that KFC might be planning on phasing out bone-in chicken. Turns out I was right:

I guess KFC is afraid the new generation of fast food addicts might accidentally discover that chickens used to be living, breathing animals. Dawg forbid that little Aiden or sweet Gabriella ever find out that animals have been slaughtered to sate their gluttony. And can you imagine precious Sloan and young Logan biting into a honking big-ass drumstick? I can hear their tiny high-pitched shrieks now.

“Skin! It’s got skin! And…and…and…booooooooooooooooooooones. MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMY!”

Oh, the horror.

Well, I’m not gonna hang around to hear that, KFC. It hurts to tell you this, but chickens got bones, so you and I are through. 

No. Don’t cry. It’s my fault, not yours. I simply can’t adjust to your insane need to take food and turn it into something that isn’t. Don’t worry, you’ll find someone new. But as for me, I’ll go back to making my own chicken. It’s better than yours anyhow. And I still have my stash of real honey.


  1. I can't eat KFC much anymore, it gives me gut rot. It's just isn't as good as it used to be.

    Also, your post is hilarious.

    1. Why, thank you, K.E. Of course it's easy to be funny when a business makes itself look foolish. :)

  2. Another one here who longs for the bygone days of real food. reg

    1. Perhaps you and I should go out and slay a fatted calf, reg. either that or buy some hot dogs or something. : D

  3. Not sure if you have a Popeye's there or not, but they're way better than KFC and their chicken still has bones and skin. Not sure about the honey, though, I'll have to look into it. Cows are always the best way to go anyway, bones or no bones.

    *runs off to stalk cows*

    1. I've heard of Popeye's but, no, I don't think we have them. We do, however, have Arby's, which is the fast food bidness that started me hating the parts is parts stuff. It claims it sells cows, but that stuff they put on their sammiches doesn't look or taste like anything I ever cut off of a cow. I'll defer to you, what with you being an expert cow eater and all, but I.Have.Never.Been.Back.To.An.Arby's.Since.The.First.Time.I.Tried.Them.

  4. I completely understand why a Chewyhewy would be upset about KFC not putting bones in their chickens— dig a hole, drop in air, cover it up. It disrupts your whole purpose in life. **Scratches his little ears** (If you roll over for a belly rub I'm going to kick you) Then you go back a week later and dig up your hole only to find what you didn't bury isn't there.

    So, for my good buddy Haggis I've made a list of 12 best ways he can get his bone.

    1. "I got a bone to pick with you." Go pick one with Hunny.
    2. Visit a bone yard. That's where they bury dead things, but you knew that.
    3. You can bone-up on your osteology, or even paleontology if you are in to old bones.
    4. Read Writing Down the Bones, but being a writer you shulda done that already.
    5. You could have visited DeForest Kelley who played Bones on Star Trek but his bones are in a bone yard now.
    6. Date an anorexic. That way you get skin and bones.
    7. You could go bone your neighbor...or even his wife!
    8. Roll on your back and act cute so someone rubs your belly and gives you a [censored]-er.
    9. I know this guy they call The Bone Crusher. You could go with him on his debt collections.
    10. Five minutes with any of the boneheads we all know should satiate your bonelessness.
    11. Visit the Smithsonian, they have lots of bones. Better sneak in after hours; they'll be pissed about your teeth marks all over their displays.
    12. Finally, KFC has a big pile of bones somewhere. Go find it!

    That's all I could think of cuz I'm bone tired. But for the next time you go out for Fast Food remember some places don't even put meat in their meat. Bone appetit!

  5. Hello, my winged friend. And thanks for stopping by.

    Just for the record, I had planned on trying 1 through 12 above,but I was too chicken.

    Get it? Chicken?

    I was....

    Never mind. :(