Maybe I haven't written quite as much as I said I would, but maybe I'll pick up from this point on. Or not. But in any event, this is the second post of the year, so I've doubled my output from last year. Gotta give me points for that.
You can take a few points away too, 'cause this is an older story I'm posting. But, see, there's nowhere to sell it. Besides it's short--blog sized--and I haven't posted a story here in some time. Besideser, I like this o ne. You may not, but you're probably not a a Nigerian. So there.
Here we go....
#
An Urgent Business Matter
by
Steve Barber
Lt. Colonel
Smiths Magado waddled across the room and gingerly settled his overly fat ass onto
a cushioned office chair. He squirmed. No good. He'd have to try something
else.
Magado
dragged the ottoman over and reached down with both hands, hefting his nearly two
pound penis out of his boxers and resting it on the foot stool. He sat back
exhausted, hyperventilating and sweating profusely. But even as wiped out as he
was, Magado had to smile. If only my father
could see me now, he thought, not without some pride. His late father had
constantly teased him about his "shortcomings."
Magado's
father, Mgbatu Magado, had been the Principal Vice Chairman of Abuja State Bank
and Trust, the primary holding company for foreign investments in his country.
Six months earlier, the senior Magado died in a tragic Internet accident that
was still under investigation. Fortunately, before his death, he had confided
in his son as to the whereabouts of certain unclaimed funds he planned to
secret out of the country. His death put a hold on any such transfer. But the
Colonel was working to change that.
Magado punched
the “on” button on his computer, waited for it to get up to speed, then
accessed his email. There it was. The response he’d been waiting for. Someone
had risen to the bait. He reached for the keyboard, but the ottoman on which
his penis rested kept him too far away to type. He turned sideways, and somehow
managed to grab the keyboard and deposit it onto his ample lap.
Alma
Grinkle of Saskatoon had accepted his offer. I'll make her a rich woman, thought the
Colonel, but I'll be even richer. And
I'll still have my huge penis too.
"My
dear Miss Alma," typed Magado. "It is with delightness that I receive
your missive this day. Please to know funds at your bank tomorrow morning
earliest. My friend, yes I say my good friend Miss Alma, most wonderful lady, I
looking forward meet you seventh January when we concluding transactions."
He finished
the email with additional platitudes, sent it along to Alma, then electronically transferred
the funds from his father's account to Alma's bank.
The Colonel
was basking in the glow of a job well done when his watch alarm reminded him it
was time to change his penile patches. The directions cautioned "one
patch at a time," but he'd reasoned if one was good, two must be better.
He applied
both patches, and sat back to watch his penis grow again. But this time it was
different. Something was wrong. It was growing way too much, way too fast. Crap. Directions. I should have followed the directions.
#
The
following morning, Alma Grinkle scanned through the newspaper while finishing
her morning tea. A page two headline leaped out at her: "Top Nigerian Army
Officer Killed by Exploding Penis."
Alma sighed and shook her head. She put
on her hat and gloves, grabbed her keys and headed out the door toward her
bank. How awful for him, she thought.
He was such a sweet man.