So, I hear you're dead, huh? No, no, don't worry. I don't expect you to answer, what with you being dead and all. I mean, if you were Sarah Palin, you probably already would have jumped in with a "you betcha, by golly," but you're Osama bin Laden--or were, that is--and, well, Sarah Palin is still alive. Like you're not.
Okay, that was wrong of me. One person shouldn't make fun of the fact another person is dead. I'm so ashamed of myself.
Okay, I'm not really ashamed at all. But I had you going for a minute, didn't I?
Osama, let me see if I can express myself a little bit better. But first, let me apologize for being happy. 'Cause, you know, it's not that I'm happy, really. I'm not happy like those folks in your neck of the woods who danced in the streets when you had your people fly our planes into buildings in September of 2001. And I'm not even happy like you seemed to be in those pictures you released of you and your buddies yucking it up after the buildings fell. What I am I guess is satisfied. Yes, that's it. Satisfied. And content that, though justice will never be completely done when it comes to you, at least it's been approached. And that's about all we could ask for.
You'll not find me out there dancing in the streets. Because, although I'm glad you are dead, you will not find me celebrating. Me and my countrymen and women--most of us anyhow--do not find your death a joyous occasion, but rather a somber one. One for reflection and remembrance. I think our younger folks might be a tad exuberant, but you know how young kids can be.
Osama, you should know that we are proud, so proud of those Navy Seals who took you out. We honor the service of the intelligence community who located you and patiently watched over you like a mother hen, waiting for just the right time to strike. We thank our National Security folks, and our President, who had to order the mission to go forward. And we saw that picture of all of them watching the mission go down live. You know, Osama, I think all Presidents and their advisors should be obligated to watch operations like this go down live. Because those folks are the ones in a position to order young men and women to do stuff that might kill them, and they damn well ought to have the cojones to sit there and watch the people die that they've ordered killed. And if the mission goes south, well, they damn well should be obligated to watch that too.
But none of that's important to you anymore because, as the saying goes, you sleep with the fishes now. Which brings me to my last point.
I want to apologize in advance to those fishes. Because the next time I'm by the ocean, and I hope it's soon, I intend to piss in it. I sincerely hope the fish understand.