Take package of Peeps and poke a bunch of holes in it with a fork. Let sit for at least a month--but the longer the better.
Somehow acquire a 15.1 oz. container of Dove Unconditional Chocolate Ice Cream. Pose it next to your Peeps, on a cutting board, in front of your coffee pot and ahead of a container of Coffee Mate, which you don't use, but your SO does.
Remove three stale Peeps. Select your weapon.
Bisect them by slicing evenly between their evil little Peep eyes. Wipe up the Peep blood.
Chop up the little buggers.
Grab a few and stick them into the Dove container.
Shove the stale Peeps through the hard dark chocolate lid with the heel of your hand.
Grab the Peeps butchering weapon and mash the stale Peeps throughout the container of ice cream.
Eat your heart out, Ben and Jerry.